Love one another as I have loved you.  (John 13:34)

Unconditional agape love.  That’s how God loves us; that’s how we’re called to love one another.

To be honest, that’s hard.

Consider that line from that Billy Joel song: “I love you just the way you are.”  Think about the people that you love, whether it’s your romantic love interest, children, siblings, parents, friends… Consider whether you can truly say, “I love you just the way you are.”

Because that’s how God loves us.  Just the way we are.  We do not have to be perfect for God to love us.  God loves us just the way we are.  And there is tremendous freedom in that.

Spiritual teacher and mystic Anthony de Mello, S.J. (1931-1987) wrote a beautiful parable on this in The Song of the Bird.

De Mello concludes by asking: Is this how you love me, God?

Notice that the focus is not whether or not a person should change (to be healthier, happier, or more whole). But rather, change is not a condition for genuine, authentic agape love.

That’s beautiful, but really hard to live out.

Sometimes, in order for us to have agape love for one another, the nature of our relationship has to change.  It’s hard to be in a romantic relationship–and have unconditional love–for someone who is unhealthy.  It’s hard to be in a close friendship–and have unconditional love–for someone who is unhealthy.

We love them, and we want them to change.  We love them, and we want wholeness and fullness of life for them.

But we are called to love them unconditionally.  Not change them.

It’s hard.  Not impossible, but certainly, understandably difficult.

Difficult, but beautiful and true.

Here’s the deepest beauty of it: it’s the only way to truly live and truly love.

One of the greatest mistakes I ever made could have been prevented if I spent time with this truth.  If I asked myself:

• Do I love him just the way he is?
• What if he never changes?  
• Do I love him just the way he is or do I love his potential?  
• Do I love him just the way he is or do I love the person he’s becoming?

Because if I was to be honest with myself, the answer was no.  In that case, the most loving thing I could have done was to step away from the demands of the relationship so that I didn’t need him to change.  So that I could love him just the way he was.

Actually, I need to ask myself this in all of my relationships–with my spouse, my children, my siblings, my parents, and my friends.

This truth–this unconditional love–has the power to transform our relationships, especially when the people that we love know that we love them unconditionally.

If it’s too hard to hold this truth with a relationship, maybe we need to re-evaluate the relationship.

When re-evaluating a relationship, sometimes it make more sense to walk away–even if only for a period of time–particularly when it comes to dating relationships or friendships.

There are other relationships that demand honoring a deeper commitment, such as Sacramental marriage and parent-child relationships.  Re-evaluating these relationships with a deeper sense of unconditional love will mean different things for different people.  Perhaps it means working to find something to love about that person. Perhaps it means “tough love” and boundaries.

There is no single answer.  There is no easy answer.

There is only the call to love one another as Christ loves us.

Because, as it’s been said, “the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

Unconditional Love by Bunches and Bits {Karina} licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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I love my husband.  And I know he loves me.  In the REAL LOVE way.  But sometimes I’m just not feeling it.  Why is that?

After 7 years of marriage (11 ½ years together), we’re definitely beyond “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling.” But from the kitchen to the bedroom, we know we need to cultivate agape, eros, philia, and storge.

I have been trying to get him to read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages for quite some time.  He’s not just a guy; he’s a science guy.  An engineer.  And I know expressing “emotions” isn’t his thing.  But gosh darnit, I know we really, truly love each other, and I’d just like him to tell me in the way I’d like to hear… you know?

“We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love” (14).

Gary Chapman identifies five different ways that we express and experience love.  What makes one person feel loved emotionally isn’t necessarily what makes another person feel loved.

1.  Words of Affirmation – Verbal affirmations and compliments, expressions of gratitude and appreciation.  Spoken with encouraging words… kind words… humble words… genuine words.

2.   Quality Time – Giving the other your undivided attention, focus, time.  Doing things together.  Having quality conversations.

“A central aspect of quality time is togetherness.  I do not mean proximity… Togetherness has to do with focused attention.” (59)

Offering someone Quality Time means offering your understanding and sympathy, as you give your attention to the person…not necessarily offering advice (unless that’s what the person is asking for).  We can do this by

• maintaining eye contact
• giving our undivided attention to the other
• listening for the feelings being expressed
• observing the other person’s body language
• refusing to interrupt the other person – seeking to understand what they are saying and waiting to respond

“Many of us… are trained to analyze problems and create solutions.  We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.” (62)

3. Receiving Gifts – This love language has less to do with the monetary value of the “gift” than it does with the thought behind it.  The gift symbolizes love.  It represents the fact that the person was thinking of the one they love (be it friend, family, or beloved).  These gifts of love may be purchased, found, or made.  They needn’t be extravagant nor expensive.

“A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say ‘Look, he was thinking of me,’ or ‘She remembered me.’ You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift.”  (74)

4.  Acts of Service – This love language is about doing things for the one you love… things you know they would like you to do.  Acts of service require forethought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

Jesus offered us an example of the way in which acts of service demonstrate love when he washed the feet of the disciples.

5.   Physical Touch – This love language includes all forms of affection: from hand holding to the supportive friendly hug, to kissing, to a marital embrace, to sexual intercourse.

In this, there is the recognition that all forms of touch (including the refusal to touch) express emotion – positive or negative.  The thing to remember is that while this love language includes sexual intercourse, that’s not what it’s all about.  Holding someone tenderly while they cry… squeezing a hand in excitement… patting a shoulder in encouragement… These are all forms of expressing love.

Chapman explains that we each have a “primary love language” in which we express and experience love.  We need to pay attention to what our beloved’s love language is so that we can express love in the way they primarily communicate love.

This explanation is so simple, yet so profound.  And it explains so very much.

In my case, my primary love language is quality time, with words of affirmation close behind.  My husband definitely enjoys quality time, but he primarily speaks acts of service.

Chapman challenges us to try to speak our beloved’s primary love language – so that they feel the love we have for them.

I’d go a step further and say that it’s also important that we hear the love our beloved is expressing to us in their primary love language.

If I hadn’t read this book, I may have missed appreciating some of the wonderful things he does for me as expressions of love – like something as simple as making me a cup of tea every morning with breakfast.  Or recognizing that making me breakfast (or dinner) is an act of love.  Without a doubt, I heard his expression of love when he built me a little shelf to hold all my jars of loose tea.

I know he loves me.  But sometimes I need to hear it in my love language (particularly in words of affirmation).  And this isn’t easy for him.

But he’s trying.  And that means the world to me.

And both of those—that he’s trying and that I know it—are important.

It’s important that we do this for all of the special people in our lives: spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.

How do you express and experience love?  How do the important people in your life express and experience love?   Are you speaking their language?

“Love sign language © Depositphotos.com/altanaka”

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Have you ever had one of those random moments in life—personal or professional—when someone asks you something, and when you open your mouth to respond, you’re amazed by the profound insight that comes out?  You know you said it, but the wisdom had to have come from God?

Well, years ago, while teaching in Austin, I took a group of students to work at an orphanage in Mexico.  In addition to showering the children with attention and affection, we did a bunch of home-improvement style projects – from cleaning to painting to repairs.  The poverty was staggering. While we helped both physically and financially, it was abundantly clear that our charity was not going to bring about a real and lasting change.

That evening, we did the Mission-Trip-Circle-Up conversation to discuss and process our day.  One student, Travis, was extremely conflicted: “I feel really good about myself, but I feel guilty for feeling that way.  We have so much, and they have so little.  It just doesn’t make any sense; I don’t like the fact that I feel so good about myself.”

I suggested to Travis that “feeling good” was not reflecting some kind of “superiority,” but rather he felt good because he was participating in true agapic love.  In the Gospel of John, Jesus called us to love one another as he loved us; to participate in agape.  This was not a “to-do-list” task, but an invitation.  The act of selfless giving in service (and in love) feels great because in it, we experience the divine.

And it doesn’t matter which kind of love we’re talking about: philia (friendship love), eros (passionate love), storge (family affection), or agape (unconditional giving of oneself for the good of another).

What a profound “God-is-love” truth.

The act of selfless giving in love feels great because in it,

we experience the divine.

For some reason, when talking about love, it’s a lot easier to get our heads around what love means when we take romance out of the equation.  But this same dynamic of selfless-giving-feeling-great applies to all four loves.

Allow me to explain:

Remember Erich Fromm’s definition of love (from Art of Loving 19)?  I concluded my post on dependency (I Need You to Need Me), with this:

 Mature Love “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity” or individuality.

If we were to diagram that one, it would be two stick figures choosing to come together to hold hands, maintaining their integrity, freely capable of individuality.  This “pattern” can and should apply to all four kinds of love.

In all four types of love, one can and should be able to give of oneself without giving up one’s identity.

Going on, Fromm names four basic elements that are common to all types of love:  Care, Responsibility, Respect, and Knowledge.

1. Care – When we care about someone or something, we are concerned for their well-being.  When we don’t care, we don’t love.

2. Responsibility – Instead of limiting our understanding to some assigned “duty,” Fromm goes to the root of the word:

3. Respect – Without the element of respect, the element of responsibility “could easily deteriorate into domination and possessiveness” (26).

Love means letting people be free to be who they are, right now.

4. Knowledge – As we seek to become closer with people—friends and family as well as our beloved—we come to see how many layers there are to truly knowing someone.  Knowledge of a person is key to real, mature love.

• Agape, Eros, Storge, Philia
• The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth – M. Scott Peck
• Union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity and individuality, practiced with care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge – Erich Fromm

Love is all of this and more.

Painters by Bart Everson licensed under CC BY 2.0

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Within a week of starting college I met a guy and completely fell in love.

It was not only a textbook example of the what-not-to-do insights offered in You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling, but it would serve as my introduction to the dynamic of dependency.

When I excitedly told my favorite high school teacher about my new-found sweetheart, I thought his response was rather odd: “Ah, you’ve found yourself a symbiotic partner.”  The boyfriend, a biology major, thought for a moment and explained, “Well, symbiosis is a mutually beneficial relationship between a parasite and a host… which is an unusual way of describing our relationship, but they need each other… and so do we.”  And I’m pretty sure we felt affirmed by that description of our relationship.

Retelling this story, I feel a little like an audience member in a horror flick, wanting to scream: “RUN!”

I need you.  I cannot be happy without you.

When M. Scott Peck discusses the misconception that dependency is love, he describes it as parasitic, and focuses on the lack of freedom.

What I really appreciate about Fromm’s work is the detail with which he describes the dynamic of dependency, or Symbiotic Union.  There is a passive form of symbiotic union (the submissive, dependent person) and an active form (the dominant, co-dependent person).

The passive, submissive, dependent person escapes from the unbearable feeling of isolation and loneliness by symbiotically becoming part and parcel of another person who directs, guides, and protects them (The Art of Loving, 18).

I am nothing without you; I feel special because you care so much about me.

The active, dominant, co-dependent person escapes from the isolation and loneliness by symbiotically making another person part and parcel of himself (or herself, as it were).  The ego is enhanced, especially since the passive person worships their symbiotic partner (Ibid).

I need you to need me; it makes me feel special to be so needed.

The thing to remember here is that both the active person and the passive person are dependent on each other.  They both need each other.  No one is being forced into submissive roles here, and this mutually beneficial arrangement—where everyone’s needs are being met—is a large part of that initial attraction.

Post-college, I attended an adult-enrichment workshop in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia in which the speaker described six different patterns of unhealthy relationships.  Asking for two volunteers, she had the “couple” kinesthetically demonstrate the different patterns she described.  I found the activity to be profoundly enlightening and came to use it in my classroom with teenagers.  It fleshes out Fromm’s explanation of the symbiotic union with relatable examples.

What follows is my uber-sophisticated stick figure representation of the bodily positions and corresponding description.

Patterns of Dependency in Unhealthy Relationships

1.  A-Frame – The kinesthetic set-up here may be difficult to see in the form of a stick-figure drawing: both people are leaning on/into each other, each putting their full body weight upon the other.  Their bodies are slanted towards each other like the sides of the letter “A.”

The people in this relationship are incapable of functioning independently; even if one attempts to do so, the other will literally fall without their partner’s support.

2.  Smothering – The kinesthetic set-up has the two hugging closely…and never letting go.

The people in this relationship may be physically (overly affectionate) or emotionally smothering.  These are the couples whose identities have become so merged that those around them refer to them as a unit (recall “Bennifer” or the teen couple from the Zits comic strip known as “Rickandamy”).

3.  Master-Slave – Kinesthetically, one stands firmly while the other is on hands-and-knees.

There are clear active (dominant) and passive (submissive) roles in this relationship.  One is the “boss” while the other willingly follows orders.  Remember no one forces their partner into a role; the “slave” needs the guidance of the “master” as much as the “master” needs the “slave.”

You don’t know her like I do.

He cares so much about me, it makes me feel so special.

4.  Pedestal – The kinesthetic set-up here has one standing atop a chair or desk while the other stands on the floor, looking up to their elevated partner.

In this relationship, the (elevated) “hero” helps the (lowly) “troubled” person, which often involves saving “troubled” from some sort of crisis.  Initially, “hero” feels great with all the self-satisfaction involved in helping someone, and “troubled” feels incredibly cared for.

I love who you are becoming.

This dynamic becomes problematic if one of the two attempts to break out of their prescribed unequal roles.  While “troubled” may certainly worship “hero,” it is important to note that “hero” may not necessarily desire these unequal roles in the relationship.  It’s not just up to “hero” to step down; “troubled” also needs to stop putting “hero” up on the pedestal.  Ironically, resentment over the unequal roles in this relationship is usually the reason for its demise.

5. Contract – Kinesthetically, the two are back-to-back and interlock elbows.  Then, they each attempt to walk in the direction they are facing… constant conflict ensues.

The parties in this relationship have long since lost that lovin’ feeling, and have somehow managed to come to an (often unspoken) agreement to just stay together.  This couple is constantly fighting or bickering, but never actually works on any of their problems.  They prefer being unhappily together to being alone.  Stuck in the comfortable rut of their relationship, they need each other so that they’re not alone.

I used to think that this pattern applied mostly to older, married couples (staying together “for the kids”).  However, the teens I taught quickly pointed out that many of their peers were in these relationships.  A fear of loneliness can prompt a person to do ridiculous things.

6. Martyr – The kinesthetic set-up has one lying on the floor while the other stands nearby.

The martyr willingly sacrifices their own needs and desires for the sake of the “standing partner,” often enabling the “standing partner’s” own unhealthy behavior.  The martyr’s actions appear incredibly generous, and the “standing partner” benefits from all the attention.

I do so much for you!

At first glance, the “standing partner” looks to be in charge, but the martyr controls this relationship.  How?  Perhaps by manipulating through passive-aggressive guilt, by quietly punishing the other by chronically being late or forgetting things, sulking when things don’t go their way, blaming others for their failures, playing mind games, and so on.

When I discussed Peck’s definition of love (in What Do You Mean?), I made a comment that it’s often difficult to understand why self-love is so important without discussing dependency.  Well, here we are: A person who does not have self-love is like half a person who is looking for another half a person to fill the void within and make them whole.  (Side note: THIS is what is SO WRONG with that oft quoted line from the movie Jerry Maguire, “You complete me.”  But I digress.)That’s not a “gift of one’s self.”  That’s dependency, not love.

You were created in the image and likeness of God.  You have human dignity.  Love extends from this gift of wholeness and dignity.

Erich Fromm incorporates self-love into his definition (emphasis in the original, Art of Loving 19):

Mature Love “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity” or individuality.

Giving of yourself does not mean giving up your identity.

Know yourself, be yourself, love yourself, and share that amazing self with another person.

THAT is love.

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While enjoying a Wine and Chocolates night with my sister, we touched upon the topic of love.

Laurie had read my previous post Love, Love, Love, and appreciated the description of the four different kinds of love, but she—like so many of us—still felt at a loss for how do put it into words.

The very nature of the word “define” (which means to put limits on something) seems to contradict the infinite possibilities (and mystical nature) of love.  With that said, I think it’s important that we pursue a better understanding of what we mean by “love.”

Bestselling author and psychiatrist M. Scott Peck (d. 2005) set out to do just this in The Road Less Traveled (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978). He dedicates a whole section to love, beginning with “Love Defined.”  I appreciate how he starts off by acknowledging the tension between the worthy pursuit of a definition, but the inherent difficulty in doing so.

1. Love has a distinct purpose.  The goal of love is spiritual growth.

It’s not about forcing (yourself or) someone else to fit into your image of what they should be.  But about encouraging them to become their very best selves, in God’s divine image.  Notice the word-choice here: nurturing… not implementing, evoking, or creating this change (in oneself or others), but nurturing.  That’s significant.

2. Love is a circular process.  The more we practice extending one’s self, the better we become at doing it.

It’s easy to think that the circular process refers to “the more you give, the more you get.” But that’s not what Peck means.  Instead, think of it as extending your limits and expanding your ability to love—akin to working a muscle.  (And you know what, if it helps, think of the phrase love-muscle…whatever works!)  The more you work it, the stronger it gets.

3. Real love necessitates self-love.

This is a tough one to explain or understand without talking about the distinction between love and dependency (which will be the topic of a post in the very near future).  What it really comes down to is that love is about giving of one’s self, and you can’t give what you don’t have.

4. Real love requires effort.

Anytime you “extend your limits” or “expand your ability” to do something, it requires effort.  Many people read this with a tinge of negativity, thinking: “effort”means work, and “work” means drudgery.  But a lot of wonderfully fun things that we do require effort.  What’s that cliché? Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  That, my friends, implies effort.

5. Love is an act of the will; it is a choice.

Love is a decision; it is a choice you make, particularly when we are talking about nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.  Both the idea that love requires effort and that love is a choice will become much clearer in future posts about the distinction between love and feelings.

While Peck never used the word agape, his definition certainly aligns with that Greek term for love.  I hope his definition helps you as much as it has helped me come to a deeper understanding of what love means.

So think about it… Which parts of Peck’s definition resonate with your own experience?  What part(s) do you struggle with?

Consider what kind of “spiritual growth” the experience of love has nurtured for you (and that which you have nurtured in others).  In doing so, I invite you to understand this phrase, spiritual growth, as Peck intended: as the health and growth of the whole person.  Body, mind, and soul.  Physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

“Two glasses of red wine © Depositphotos.com/Apriori”

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I grew up in a house where we said “I love you” a lot. It was a statement of appreciation (“Thanks, Mom! Love you!”), a farewell (“Love you! Bye”), a part of the bedtime routine from childhood through adulthood, (“Goodnight! I love you!”), as well as an expression of sentiment (“Happy Birthday! I love you!”).

I frequently tell my husband, kids, siblings, parents, and friends “I love you!” And I mean it sincerely.

There is a bright shade of lime-green—also known as Julie-green—which I love. I love red wine and dark chocolate. I love cheese. I love my Vita-Mix, my iPhone, and the way my washer and dryer beep me a song when they’re finished a cycle (instead of buzzing). I love Austin.

I recently had the privilege of helping to create a quilt filled with messages of love and support for a dear friend who (after four years in remission and a full mastectomy) is facing a second bout of breast cancer.

A few days ago, my 3 ½ year old got sick in the middle of the night. He came to my bedside and in the saddest, most heartbreaking voice said, “Mommy, I had an accident and it got all over.” Without hesitation I jumped up and consoled him. Within a split second of surveying the scene, I called my husband in to tend to Max while I cleaned up the mess. The whole thing was quite unpleasant, but handled with tremendous love.

In English, we have one all-inclusive word for love. In Greek, there are four distinct words. I appreciate the insight that C.S. Lewis gives in The Four Loves as he defines and describes each one and their relation to one another.

1. Storge – (pronounced with two syllables, and a hard “g” ~ STORE-GAY) A love rooted in a natural fondness or affection. This is often the love we find within families, between parents and children or siblings. The expression “blood is thicker than water” reflects storge love.
2. Philia – (the root word in Philadelphia; pronounced PHILLY-AH) true friendship love, involving loyalty, equality, respect, and the bonds of shared interests and activities.
3. Eros – (the root word of erotic ~ ERR-OS) refers to a passionate love. This is certainly the intimate love of romance, but it is not necessarily sexual. Eros refers to the passionate love which touches the depths of one’s soul with excitement, energy, and beauty.
4. Agape (pronounced both as AH-GAH-PAY and AH-GAH-PEE) is the unconditional giving of oneself—selflessly—for the good of another.

C.S. Lewis wisely points out that as we come to understand the different kinds of love, we shouldn’t feel the need to categorize a relationship or even a given experience as exclusively one of the four kinds of love. There is often quite a bit of overlap.

I find myself quite fortunate to have all four kinds of love for my husband. I have always had a fondness for geeks, so he started off with quite a bit of storge. Our friendship grew as we discovered our mutual appreciation of live music and outdoor fun (in Austin). The mutual respect that followed offered us a great foundation for philia, which we continually cultivate with quality time. Over time, we developed eros, with a passionate and energetic connection that feeds my spirit. And we undoubtedly practice agape with each other, with our children, and with the world around us.

I like that CS Lewis affirms that all love is good; we needn’t rate the four loves as superior and inferior. What we should do, however, is pay attention to the differences. Why? Just as we can get ourselves into trouble when we confuse love with like, things can also go awry when we confuse philia with agape (thinking we have to be friends with everybody).

In faith, we are called to “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). But Jesus was not calling us to practice eros, storge, or philia. Jesus loves us with agape and calls us to practice agape—unconditional care and concern for the well-being of another—with those we encounter. Agape is the theological virtue of which St. Paul speaks in his First Letter to the Corinthians. Recognizing it as a virtue means that agape is the kind of love we can choose to practice, and become better at practicing.

As you think about who you love, consider also how you love. Which of the four loves do you find abundantly in your life? Which do you find yourself being nudged to cultivate more of and why?

“Heavenly heart © Depositphotos.com/christas”

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