My kids, ages 8 and 9 1/2, were registered to do their third Kids-Triathlon.

First Tri in 2014

Second Tri in 2015

And then three weeks before the race this year, my youngest, Max, broke his arm (for the second time in 8 months–this time while playing the-floor-is-lava).

He was disappointed that he couldn’t do the tri, but understood.  There were tears, but Max has a positive, fun, jovial disposition.  While others might sulk, he had a moment of sad, then moved on to joking and cheering… until the night before the race, when he started to cry.  Overcome with disappointment, he cried, “I weally wanted to do this twiathlon…”

I had a choice: I could tell him to simply chin-up and deal with the consequences of his broken arm, I could join him in his devastation and call off his brother’s tri, or I could meet him with compassion and find a way to help him work through it.

And we eagerly waited his return…

After a while I knew something was wrong; it was taking too long.

Finally Max spotted him off in the distance.

Crying, he ran his bike through the end of the course, into transition.

So I took him by the hand and walked him over to his coach.  A multiple Ironman, multiple ultra-marathon (100 mile) finisher, who coached kids at the YMCA for free, just to share his love of the sport.  A grandfather, who loves kids as much as he loves the sport… who is one of the best examples of coaching that this professional educator has ever witnessed in her life.

And this Ironman Coach Grandpa explains to Alex that his determination to finish–that he didn’t just give up–was one of the most inspirational things he had ever seen.

Still, Alex couldn’t understand.  Still, Alex couldn’t comprehend.  So Coach Grandpa asked if he could take a picture and post his story on Facebook.  Because he was certain that there were other Triathletes that would find inspiration from this 9 year old.

We packed up and headed home.  And I insisted that Alex read the comments on Coach Grandpa and my own Facebook posts.  For some reason, when he started to read the comments of strangers who were moved by the fact that he still finished the race, things started to shift for him.  “Wow.”

Why is it that we doubt the words of those who love us, but accept the words of those we don’t know?

Regardless, those words were heard.  The affirmations of strangers were heard.  The encouragement of his Coach was heard.  And Alex started to look at his Triathlon in a new light.

Where he once saw failure, he started to see determination.

Where he once saw frustration, he started to see success.

And I finally let myself cry, but not for hurt, or pain, or disappointment.  Rather for pride.

What may have been my son’s worst experience ever may have been the proudest Mom-moment of my life.

Because he finished.

Not because he won, but because he didn’t give up.  He finished.

My son faced adversity, felt the full brunt of it, and said to himself, “I could quit, but it’s only another 1/2 mile.  I can make it.”

And he did.  He finished.

There are so many lessons I take from this experience.

• From Max who at 8 years old allowed himself to feel intense disappointment, yet didn’t let it consume him… rather, he chose to cheer on his friends.
• From Alex, my tenacious 9 1/2 year old, who didn’t give up.
• From perfect strangers who not only found inspiration from Alex’s story, but who took the time to applaud his tenacity.
• From a man who volunteers his time, talent, and treasure to help kids find success with and develop a love of his sport.
• From my husband who sees the moments of real, in-the-trenches-mothering, applauds them, and captures them on film.

When Jesus said to love one another as I have loved you… this is what he meant.  Yes, my kid did a great job at overcoming adversity, but he wouldn’t have been able to do it without you and me. When Jesus said “whatever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, you do to me,” this is part of that.

As a Mom, when I love my kid in his time of need, I’m being Christ to him.  As a community, when you reach out to someone with encouragement and love, you’re being Christ to him.  You are loving one another as Christ loved us.

This is it.  Right here, right now.  And we did it.  He finished.  And he’s proud because of you.  So thank you.

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We are in the season of Advent.  The season of preparation.  The season of waiting.

We live in an instant-gratification culture that hates waiting. We are barraged with Christmas sales, music, and merchandise in October.  So when we hear talk about “Advent” we tend to think only of the countdown calendars… and even then, it’s hard to understand and embrace the waiting.

Advent is a Season of Preparation

What is it that we are “preparing” for?  We prepare for the coming of Christ.

For young children, we certainly focus on the Miracle of the Incarnation: in Advent we prepare for the birth of Christ.  But as we grow older, we hear the readings throughout Advent… readings that are not simply about the coming of the Christ-Child, but of the Second Coming and John the Baptist’s message of repentance.

St. Bernard of Clairvaux (1090-1153) summed up the meaning of Advent when he suggested that in it, we celebrate three comings of the Lord: the past, the present, and the future,

• The Past: The first coming was the coming of Christ in history: the Miracle of the Incarnation.
• The Present: The coming of Christ within the hearts of disciples.
• The Future:This final coming (often referred to as “The Second Coming”) will take place at the end of the world (the Apocalypse).

The Past – The Incarnation: Amid the secular holiday retail extravaganza, we do manage to see the images of the nativity, however meager. Look for them.  Revisit the story of the Nativity.  Marvel at the Mystery of the Incarnation: God became human.

The Future – The Second Coming:  Though admittedly, we don’t see many images of the Second Coming in seasonal decorations.  Not very heart warming, I suppose. Even as Jesus himself admits we do not know the hour (Matthew 24:36), we are called to prepare our lives for this reality by having our priorities in order.

The Present – In Our Hearts:  St. Bernard referred to this dimension of Advent as the “invisible” reality.  Here, we can look to the multitude of Christmas movies and focus on the messages of conversion, from The Grinch to Rudolph to even my least favorite, Frosty.

Yet still, we manage to misunderstand the meaning of this season of preparation in our daily lives.  Bear with me as I ask you to take a moment to engage your religious imagination:

The thing is that Jesus couldn’t care less about the condition of my house.  What he cares about is the condition of my heart.

When John the Baptist tells us to Prepare the Way… to Repent and believe… he’s telling us to get our priorities in order.  To quit obsessing about the things that don’t matter (consumerism, materialism, and perfectionism, just to name a few) and give our hearts to the things that do matter (love, presence, and a faith that does justice).

So perhaps in the midst of all that time we spend waiting, we could ask ourselves a better question:  

• What do I need to do to prepare my heart–my life–to welcome Jesus?

IMG_0220 by Alex Harden licensed under CC BY 2.0

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You know how timing is everything?

One night last week I was working on Sacrament prep with my younger son, Max.  The lesson, “God Loves Us,” asked him to identify some of the ways different people in his life help and love him.  Then, it asked him to identify some of the ways he offers help and love to others.  It was a good, simple 2nd Grade exercise, but it didn’t make that explicit connection back to the lesson title.  So we talked about it:

It turns out that our Sacrament prep conversation occurred on the evening of St. Teresa of Avila’s Feast Day.  The prayer attributed to St. Teresa, “Christ Has No Body But Yours,” touches upon this theme of God relying upon us to help and love others.

Making that connection between the idea of God’s love for us and our role in making that happen is important at any age.

Fast forward a couple of hours, and later that night, instead of making the kids’ lunches, I sat on the floor of my office and packed up 70 copies of Continuing the Journey to ship out to 35 different parishes in the Houston area.  (Yay book sales!)  So I went to bed promising to do lunches in the morning, even though I know that’s never a good idea. When I awoke with a viscous head cold, I decided to sleep in a little later, drop the kids at school, and then make and deliver those lunches by 11:30. Plenty of time!

Except before I went over to school, I stopped at the Post Office.  Turns out it takes a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I expected.  Turns out that I really should have either pre-paid or made an appointment.

All this to say that I was a little late in delivering the lunches… so late that I needed to walk them up to the boys’ classroom.  When I entered, I saw that my 8 year old son, Alex was sitting next to his teacher (never a good sign), who tells me, “We’re working on calming down.”

I take one look at Alex’s face and see the swollen, puffy red splotches around his eyes.  It was one of those “one-too-many-things-went-wrong” situations, but all he could focus on was this little plastic shoe lace lock thing that broke.

We have an expression in our male-dominated, engineer-brain, intense-personality house, which is simply “I need some love.”  Whether a person is sad or frustrated or feeling down or lonely or simply feeling cuddley, “I need some love“ is a request that is always honored.  It’s a stop-what-you’re-doing and be fully present to a full-body hug.  Thus far it has also involved the boys crawling into my lap.  This expression gets adapted to question form: “Do you need some love?” as well as a statement that accompanies a bear hug: “I just want to give you some love.”

So as we walked out of the school building towards the car, I picked him up into a bear hug so I could give him some love.  We got into the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

This made him cry even more, so I pulled the car over, he climbed into the front seat, and I just gave him some more love.

Alex is not the most verbally expressive kid, so I only got a few garbled pieces in a very high pitched voice, but one tidbit stood out.  When he had started to get emotional at school, one of the younger children in their mixed aged class called Alex a cry-baby, and then denied doing so when confronted.  Alex was most upset by the injustice of it all: Together, the students had created, agreed to, and and signed a Class Constitution that explicitly stated they are to show compassion to one another (not make fun of each other).

He was too upset to talk about it any more, so I gave some love and we went about running errands, fixing shoe lace locks, and stopping by a Starbucks to pick up a kid-hot-chocolate (which is a super-small serving at a kid-friendly “warm-chocolate” temperature).

Later in the afternoon, I told him about why I was so late to drop off the lunches–it took a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I thought.  But instead of the Post Office being a thorn, it turned out to be my rose.  If it wasn’t for this unexpected delay, I wouldn’t have been so late in dropping off the lunches that I needed to walk into his classroom at that moment and see him.  I wouldn’t have been there at exactly the right moment to give some love.

The reality is that this dynamic of giving and needing love presents itself to us every day.  Sometimes it’s obvious: your child is visibly upset and you have a unique opportunity to respond.  Sometimes it’s more subtle: a friend crosses your mind while you shower and you find yourself suddenly filled with gratitude for their presence in your life.

It’s at these times–both the obvious and the subtle–that God is tugging on our hearts and asking us to help Him shower His people with love.

• How do we respond to this tug?  By ignoring it? By lashing out against it? Or by offering love?

Free hugs by Hien Nguyen licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

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If there was one thing you could (magically, effortlessly) change about yourself, what would it be?

Play along: come up with one thing.  Perhaps it’s…

• developing virtuous habits (and eliminating unhealthy ones)
• addressing some physical characteristic (in the realm of body image or ability)
• acquiring a desired talent

Sit with your answer.  What does it tell you about yourself?

• Is it just for fun?
• Does it have to do with something you struggle with?
• How does it relate to your personal goals?  Hopes?  Dreams?

• What does it tell you about where you are on the spectrum between self-love and self-loathing?

You are a child of God, created in God’s image and likeness.

• When it comes to the things about yourself that you want to change, do you honor the image of God within?  Do you treat yourself with the love and respect that the image of God deserves?  

Healthy self-love appreciates the goodness that is.  It is from a place of love, not hate, that we are called to conversion – or metanoia.

In the reflection “Just Paint Over It,” I referenced the Greek word metanoia while discussing the transforming process of forgiveness.  Metanoia [pronounced meta-noy-ah] translates as “a change of heart.” Meaning a conversion where the person turns away from what is destructive, hurtful, hateful, and instead turns towards God.

Too often, however, we can be overly critical of ourselves in a way which is neither helpful nor loving.  There is a fine line between goals that motivate and the expectation of nothing less than perfection that can shut a person down.

The need for perfection.

There are two times that the word “perfect” appears in the gospels, both in the Gospel According to Matthew.  The first is in Matthew 5:48, which is the part of the Sermon on the Mount in which Jesus discusses Love of Enemies.

The Mount of Beatitudes and The Sea of Galilee

The second appears in Matthew 19:21 within the story of The Rich Young Man.

If you wish to be perfect…

In reality, there is always room for improvement.   If we think we are all done with the personal/spiritual growth thing (as if to say: “I have arrived”), we are reminded that our work is never complete.It is then, that Jesus will say to us:

If you wish to be perfect…

It’s the all-or-nothing extremes that are useless.  Unhelpful.  Paralyzing.  In no way does Jesus insinuate that this rigid interpretation of perfection is what we are to aim for.

Growth—change—is a process.  Metanoia is a “turning” away from something (sinful) and towards God (who is wholeness, life, and truth).

Think about the self-improvement / growth things that you are working on in your life.  Do you treat yourself with love in the process of turning?  Or do you become overly critical and hateful about perceived failures?  Because that “hateful” thing is not what Jesus would do.

To move beyond my own struggle with perfectionism, I found it helpful to redefine “perfect” as functioning at my best, right now.  For me that implies being my best and doing my best in the present moment, while looking to take the next step to become better.

The “next step” is an important concept in overcoming paralyzing perfectionism, because it recognizes the space between the “reality of now” and the “ideal” or “goal.”  And in order for it to function, the “next step” should be realistic.  Small.  Doable.

And then celebrate the success.  And build upon it.  Because that is perfect.

You are not now what you were… You are not now what you will be when God has perfected you.                  – St. Vincent de Paul

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I love my friends.

They know me through-and-through and love me all the more.  Their genuine care and concern for my well-being is as warm as their hugs.  I delight in their presence, savoring the moments of quality time, the great conversations, the honesty, the fun, and the laughing.  The laughing is the best.

Can you relate?

Friendship has lots of categories: good-friends, old-friends, Mom-friends, family-friends, work-friends, Facebook Friends… and they’re all good.

Let’s take a closer look at “Facebook Friends.”  Facebook has helped me reacquaint myself with a slew of old friends from different points in my life, especially since I’ve moved around quite a bit.  In addition to high school and college friends, I’ve even reconnected with my best friend from childhood.  Some “friends” from Facebook are just in the social network, more akin to friendly acquaintances.  Some offer a lot of “water-cooler-didja-hear-about” conversation, which as a work-from-home-mom, I totally appreciate and enjoy. Though, I think the thing I enjoy most about FB friends is the way in which we know about what’s going on in each other’s lives.  When someone shares joy, I smile with them.  When someone shares pain, I gather them in my thoughts and prayers.  And how about the birthday-love from FB friends?  It’s certainly a different version of friendship than my grandmother experienced, but it’s community all the same.  At least it has the potential to be…

Whether it’s online or in-person, friendship is about community.  It is a community with whom we have fun; it is a community who challenges us, comforts us, supports us, and cheers us on.

And within this community of friends, different people have different roles.

Beyond the “BFF” label (meaning “Best Friends Forever” – and yes, Mom, that was for you), there are certain people in our lives that are part of our “inner circle.”  These are the close friends you appoint to a place of honor in your life.  I once knew a woman who called this group her “Personal Board of Directors.” (My husband refers to it as “The Brain Trust.”)  These are the folks who we tend to check in with regarding our life decisions and the ones with whom we cannot wait to share any “big” news.  We may not always agree with the counsel offered by members of our Board, nor do we always follow their advice.  However, we certainly listen to what they have to say – good or bad – because we value their input.

• Who have you appointed to your own Personal Board of Directors?

[Note: I also recommend The Work of Your Life: Sustaining the Spirit to Teach, Lead, and Serve, by Catherine Cronin Carotta (Harcourt 2003), which offers a summary of Wick’s four friends, presenting them in the context of discerning one’s calling.]

• The Prophet  This is the friend who points out the truth.  “Prophets challenge us to look at how we are living our lives” (99).  Prophets prompt us to examine whether we are listening to God’s voice and following our values or if we are being swayed by “other” voices.  When the prophet-friend asks, “What’s that about?” it makes us think. This is the friend who will speak the difficult truth (with love), despite discomfort or pain.

• Who are the Prophetic Friends in your life?

• The Cheerleader  We all need people in our lives who offer the cheerleader’s unabashed, enthusiastic, unconditional acceptance.  This is the person who helps us see the reflection of the loving face of God more readily in ourselves and others.  When we’ve had a difficult day, this is the person we turn to for loving support and encouragement because they say just the right thing to nurture our own self love.  The cheerleader is the friend who offers the presence of God’s mercy and love.  This is the friend “who gets joy out of seeing the footprints of God in our personality” (102).  “Warm friends represent the incarnational love of God in our lives” (106).

• Who are the Cheerleader Friends in your own life? 

• The Harasser  This is the friend who helps keep us from taking ourselves too seriously.  The harasser makes us laugh – especially at ourselves.  Through friendship with the harasser, we avoid emotional burnout and/or unrealistic expectations of ourselves.  “This type of friend helps us regain and maintain perspective.”

• Who are the Harasser Friends in your own life? 

• The Spiritual Guide  “We will never cease to need an array of spiritual guides to help us deal with our unrecognized and unnecessary fears, to help us appreciate the need for proper detachment, and to lead us to a sense of enthusiasm and perspective in a world strained by anxiety and confusion” (109).  This friend helps us identify our deepest fears, soulful longings, and treasured values.  This is the person who helps us process experiences in our quest to make meaning of our lives.

• Who are the Spiritual Guide Friends in your own life? 

Which is good, because I have each of these friends.  Moreover, I want each of these friends in my life.  I am a better me because of these friends.  And I want to be this kind of friend to others.

This is what I mean when I say: I love my friends.  Can you relate?

“Friendship © Depositphotos.com/Hannamariah”

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If you have been following along in the series of posts I have offered on Love and Relationships, now is the time on Sprockets when we talk about sex.

As a Catholic high school teacher (and now as a contributing author and editor to a Catholic high school textbook series), I frequently have the opportunity to discuss sexual morality with teens.  I approach this opportunity as a privilege, and I am confident that I teach it well.  Part and parcel to my self-understanding here is that I refuse to discuss the topic without spending time on what love is and what love is not.  Moreover, I refuse to discuss the topic of Catholic sexual morality as a set of rules.

When I teach about sexual morality to teens, I emphasize the importance of understanding what the Church teaches and why.  Because it is only then that a person can decide whether or not they agree.  It is not my role to dictate behavior and dole out judgment, nor do I need everyone to agree with what I teach.  I ask only that they understand.

A Christian discussion of sex begins with human dignity.

As Christians, we have a vision of what it means to be human; the fancy theological name for this is Christian Anthropology.  We were created in the image and likeness of God, which gives us each a unique specialness.  In all we say and all we do, we are called to respect this inherent human dignity in ourselves and others.

In creating us and designing our way of being with each other, God has a vision for what is supposed to be expressed and experienced in sex, and God’s vision is phenomenal.

Christians believe that God intended for the sexual aspects of our bodies to be a way for two people to say: “We love each other enough to become one.”

The Catholic Theology of the Body sees sexual intercourse as God’s way of letting two people signify that they have become one – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It is as if we are saying:

I love you so much that I give my whole self – body, mind, and soul – to you completely, without any reservation.

This complete union involves a total gift of self – mutually given and received in all four senses of love (agape, philia, storge, and eros).

This intense message is communicated with the body, in the body, through the body – it’s a bodily language.  The body was designed by God to be truthful.  Look at our bodily reactions, like sweating when we’re nervous.  Have you ever tried to suppress laughter when you find something hysterically funny?  Think about how lie detectors work.  When we lie and when we laugh, the body reacts!

In honestly and truthfulness, think about who you trust with your deepest, darkest secrets.  In fact, what would it take for you to open yourself up to someone and be totally vulnerable – like emotionally naked – with your whole life?  In God’s design and vision, through sex, the body communicates that two people become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually, with exactly that level of vulnerability and openness.  What does it take to get there?  It takes the reliability and trustworthiness of the solid commitment of marriage.

In reality, we know that there are multiple “levels of commitment.”  To facilitate this part of the conversation, I have identified what I like to call:

“Ms. Dienno’s Levels of Commitment”

1. Just Friends – both people enjoy each other’s company, but there is no “relationship claims.” The idea of “Friends with Benefits” would fall in this category, because although physical activity is implied, there is no commitment
2. Casually Dating indicates that a very low level of commitment exists.  Often referred to as seeing or talkin’ to each other, this sometimes reflects the initial stages of a potential relationship.  However, low-level of commitment means that the relationship is not necessarily exclusive.
3. Exclusively Dating indicates official “couplehood,” where both can expect to be romantically involved only with each other.  Interestingly, this level requires both parties to have a (sometimes uncomfortable) relationship defining conversation.  Seeing (or talkin’ to) anyone else is clearly understood as cheating.
4. Serious Relationship refers to couples who have “been together forever” to the extent that it would not be surprising for their families to find out that they are intending marriage; in fact, this level includes the period of engagement.
5. Marriage is the deepest, most serious commitment.  A commitment which is to last a lifetime.

Now take the “Meaning of Sex” sentence and apply that to the “Levels of Commitment.”

Sex is a bodily gift of one’s very self, involving as much emotional nakedness as physical.  Tremendous openness and vulnerability are needed to be able to truthfully express the Meaning of Sex sentence (I love you so much that I give my whole self—body, mind, and soul—to you completely, without any reservation).  When both husband and wife give themselves to each other without reservation, it is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible act of intimacy, and it feels great.

Certainly, two people need to love each other—with agape, philia, eros, and storge—for the complete gift of self in sex to be truthful.  However, without the reliability and permanence of the commitment of marriage, the body knows that it cannot completely, freely give itself.  In sex outside of marriage, the body does, in fact, have reservations – particularly when it comes to vulnerability.

Any Christian teaching on sexual morality would need to extend from this holistic vision of truthfulness and love, of respect for one’s own and another’s human dignity.

Whether it comes to the bodily experience of sex in your own marriage or teaching your children about sex, my greatest hope is that we honor this beautiful vision.

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I love my husband.  And I know he loves me.  In the REAL LOVE way.  But sometimes I’m just not feeling it.  Why is that?

After 7 years of marriage (11 ½ years together), we’re definitely beyond “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling.” But from the kitchen to the bedroom, we know we need to cultivate agape, eros, philia, and storge.

I have been trying to get him to read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages for quite some time.  He’s not just a guy; he’s a science guy.  An engineer.  And I know expressing “emotions” isn’t his thing.  But gosh darnit, I know we really, truly love each other, and I’d just like him to tell me in the way I’d like to hear… you know?

“We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love” (14).

Gary Chapman identifies five different ways that we express and experience love.  What makes one person feel loved emotionally isn’t necessarily what makes another person feel loved.

1.  Words of Affirmation – Verbal affirmations and compliments, expressions of gratitude and appreciation.  Spoken with encouraging words… kind words… humble words… genuine words.

2.   Quality Time – Giving the other your undivided attention, focus, time.  Doing things together.  Having quality conversations.

“A central aspect of quality time is togetherness.  I do not mean proximity… Togetherness has to do with focused attention.” (59)

Offering someone Quality Time means offering your understanding and sympathy, as you give your attention to the person…not necessarily offering advice (unless that’s what the person is asking for).  We can do this by

• maintaining eye contact
• giving our undivided attention to the other
• listening for the feelings being expressed
• observing the other person’s body language
• refusing to interrupt the other person – seeking to understand what they are saying and waiting to respond

“Many of us… are trained to analyze problems and create solutions.  We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.” (62)

3. Receiving Gifts – This love language has less to do with the monetary value of the “gift” than it does with the thought behind it.  The gift symbolizes love.  It represents the fact that the person was thinking of the one they love (be it friend, family, or beloved).  These gifts of love may be purchased, found, or made.  They needn’t be extravagant nor expensive.

“A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say ‘Look, he was thinking of me,’ or ‘She remembered me.’ You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift.”  (74)

4.  Acts of Service – This love language is about doing things for the one you love… things you know they would like you to do.  Acts of service require forethought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

Jesus offered us an example of the way in which acts of service demonstrate love when he washed the feet of the disciples.

5.   Physical Touch – This love language includes all forms of affection: from hand holding to the supportive friendly hug, to kissing, to a marital embrace, to sexual intercourse.

In this, there is the recognition that all forms of touch (including the refusal to touch) express emotion – positive or negative.  The thing to remember is that while this love language includes sexual intercourse, that’s not what it’s all about.  Holding someone tenderly while they cry… squeezing a hand in excitement… patting a shoulder in encouragement… These are all forms of expressing love.

Chapman explains that we each have a “primary love language” in which we express and experience love.  We need to pay attention to what our beloved’s love language is so that we can express love in the way they primarily communicate love.

This explanation is so simple, yet so profound.  And it explains so very much.

In my case, my primary love language is quality time, with words of affirmation close behind.  My husband definitely enjoys quality time, but he primarily speaks acts of service.

Chapman challenges us to try to speak our beloved’s primary love language – so that they feel the love we have for them.

I’d go a step further and say that it’s also important that we hear the love our beloved is expressing to us in their primary love language.

If I hadn’t read this book, I may have missed appreciating some of the wonderful things he does for me as expressions of love – like something as simple as making me a cup of tea every morning with breakfast.  Or recognizing that making me breakfast (or dinner) is an act of love.  Without a doubt, I heard his expression of love when he built me a little shelf to hold all my jars of loose tea.

I know he loves me.  But sometimes I need to hear it in my love language (particularly in words of affirmation).  And this isn’t easy for him.

But he’s trying.  And that means the world to me.

And both of those—that he’s trying and that I know it—are important.

It’s important that we do this for all of the special people in our lives: spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.

How do you express and experience love?  How do the important people in your life express and experience love?   Are you speaking their language?

“Love sign language © Depositphotos.com/altanaka”

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Have you ever had one of those random moments in life—personal or professional—when someone asks you something, and when you open your mouth to respond, you’re amazed by the profound insight that comes out?  You know you said it, but the wisdom had to have come from God?

Well, years ago, while teaching in Austin, I took a group of students to work at an orphanage in Mexico.  In addition to showering the children with attention and affection, we did a bunch of home-improvement style projects – from cleaning to painting to repairs.  The poverty was staggering. While we helped both physically and financially, it was abundantly clear that our charity was not going to bring about a real and lasting change.

That evening, we did the Mission-Trip-Circle-Up conversation to discuss and process our day.  One student, Travis, was extremely conflicted: “I feel really good about myself, but I feel guilty for feeling that way.  We have so much, and they have so little.  It just doesn’t make any sense; I don’t like the fact that I feel so good about myself.”

I suggested to Travis that “feeling good” was not reflecting some kind of “superiority,” but rather he felt good because he was participating in true agapic love.  In the Gospel of John, Jesus called us to love one another as he loved us; to participate in agape.  This was not a “to-do-list” task, but an invitation.  The act of selfless giving in service (and in love) feels great because in it, we experience the divine.

And it doesn’t matter which kind of love we’re talking about: philia (friendship love), eros (passionate love), storge (family affection), or agape (unconditional giving of oneself for the good of another).

What a profound “God-is-love” truth.

The act of selfless giving in love feels great because in it,

we experience the divine.

For some reason, when talking about love, it’s a lot easier to get our heads around what love means when we take romance out of the equation.  But this same dynamic of selfless-giving-feeling-great applies to all four loves.

Allow me to explain:

Remember Erich Fromm’s definition of love (from Art of Loving 19)?  I concluded my post on dependency (I Need You to Need Me), with this:

 Mature Love “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity” or individuality.

If we were to diagram that one, it would be two stick figures choosing to come together to hold hands, maintaining their integrity, freely capable of individuality.  This “pattern” can and should apply to all four kinds of love.

In all four types of love, one can and should be able to give of oneself without giving up one’s identity.

Going on, Fromm names four basic elements that are common to all types of love:  Care, Responsibility, Respect, and Knowledge.

1. Care – When we care about someone or something, we are concerned for their well-being.  When we don’t care, we don’t love.

2. Responsibility – Instead of limiting our understanding to some assigned “duty,” Fromm goes to the root of the word:

3. Respect – Without the element of respect, the element of responsibility “could easily deteriorate into domination and possessiveness” (26).

Love means letting people be free to be who they are, right now.

4. Knowledge – As we seek to become closer with people—friends and family as well as our beloved—we come to see how many layers there are to truly knowing someone.  Knowledge of a person is key to real, mature love.

• Agape, Eros, Storge, Philia
• The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth – M. Scott Peck
• Union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity and individuality, practiced with care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge – Erich Fromm

Love is all of this and more.

Painters by Bart Everson licensed under CC BY 2.0

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Sure, Sweat-Pea.

I had hoped he’d be content to play with Little People while I finished writing, but I quickly discovered that was not meant to be.

LOVE, I have discovered, is always rewarding, but not always convenient.  Especially when it comes to kids.

Please allow me to “illustrate”  (Or, rather, allow Max to illustrate):

“Look, Mommy, dese hafe yous favowite color gween.  Dey has gween eyes AND a gween mowff!  I made a mistake on the mouff of dat one and colowed it but it didn’t come off.”

“I gave dese ones blue eyes wike you and me.  And smiles.  Because they is happy.  Wike us.”

“I gave dese guys wots and wots of eyes.  Dey can see ev-wey-fing!”

“Dat is me, under da table.  I is hiding.  I pwaying hide and seek.”

“And dat is wots and wots of eyes!  Dey can see even mowe of evewyfing!!”

So I guess unhealthy patterns of dependency isn’t the only “fing” to open ourselves to…  Silly Mommy!

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Within a week of starting college I met a guy and completely fell in love.

It was not only a textbook example of the what-not-to-do insights offered in You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling, but it would serve as my introduction to the dynamic of dependency.

When I excitedly told my favorite high school teacher about my new-found sweetheart, I thought his response was rather odd: “Ah, you’ve found yourself a symbiotic partner.”  The boyfriend, a biology major, thought for a moment and explained, “Well, symbiosis is a mutually beneficial relationship between a parasite and a host… which is an unusual way of describing our relationship, but they need each other… and so do we.”  And I’m pretty sure we felt affirmed by that description of our relationship.

Retelling this story, I feel a little like an audience member in a horror flick, wanting to scream: “RUN!”

I need you.  I cannot be happy without you.

When M. Scott Peck discusses the misconception that dependency is love, he describes it as parasitic, and focuses on the lack of freedom.

What I really appreciate about Fromm’s work is the detail with which he describes the dynamic of dependency, or Symbiotic Union.  There is a passive form of symbiotic union (the submissive, dependent person) and an active form (the dominant, co-dependent person).

The passive, submissive, dependent person escapes from the unbearable feeling of isolation and loneliness by symbiotically becoming part and parcel of another person who directs, guides, and protects them (The Art of Loving, 18).

I am nothing without you; I feel special because you care so much about me.

The active, dominant, co-dependent person escapes from the isolation and loneliness by symbiotically making another person part and parcel of himself (or herself, as it were).  The ego is enhanced, especially since the passive person worships their symbiotic partner (Ibid).

I need you to need me; it makes me feel special to be so needed.

The thing to remember here is that both the active person and the passive person are dependent on each other.  They both need each other.  No one is being forced into submissive roles here, and this mutually beneficial arrangement—where everyone’s needs are being met—is a large part of that initial attraction.

Post-college, I attended an adult-enrichment workshop in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia in which the speaker described six different patterns of unhealthy relationships.  Asking for two volunteers, she had the “couple” kinesthetically demonstrate the different patterns she described.  I found the activity to be profoundly enlightening and came to use it in my classroom with teenagers.  It fleshes out Fromm’s explanation of the symbiotic union with relatable examples.

What follows is my uber-sophisticated stick figure representation of the bodily positions and corresponding description.

Patterns of Dependency in Unhealthy Relationships

1.  A-Frame – The kinesthetic set-up here may be difficult to see in the form of a stick-figure drawing: both people are leaning on/into each other, each putting their full body weight upon the other.  Their bodies are slanted towards each other like the sides of the letter “A.”

The people in this relationship are incapable of functioning independently; even if one attempts to do so, the other will literally fall without their partner’s support.

2.  Smothering – The kinesthetic set-up has the two hugging closely…and never letting go.

The people in this relationship may be physically (overly affectionate) or emotionally smothering.  These are the couples whose identities have become so merged that those around them refer to them as a unit (recall “Bennifer” or the teen couple from the Zits comic strip known as “Rickandamy”).

3.  Master-Slave – Kinesthetically, one stands firmly while the other is on hands-and-knees.

There are clear active (dominant) and passive (submissive) roles in this relationship.  One is the “boss” while the other willingly follows orders.  Remember no one forces their partner into a role; the “slave” needs the guidance of the “master” as much as the “master” needs the “slave.”

You don’t know her like I do.

He cares so much about me, it makes me feel so special.

4.  Pedestal – The kinesthetic set-up here has one standing atop a chair or desk while the other stands on the floor, looking up to their elevated partner.

In this relationship, the (elevated) “hero” helps the (lowly) “troubled” person, which often involves saving “troubled” from some sort of crisis.  Initially, “hero” feels great with all the self-satisfaction involved in helping someone, and “troubled” feels incredibly cared for.

I love who you are becoming.

This dynamic becomes problematic if one of the two attempts to break out of their prescribed unequal roles.  While “troubled” may certainly worship “hero,” it is important to note that “hero” may not necessarily desire these unequal roles in the relationship.  It’s not just up to “hero” to step down; “troubled” also needs to stop putting “hero” up on the pedestal.  Ironically, resentment over the unequal roles in this relationship is usually the reason for its demise.

5. Contract – Kinesthetically, the two are back-to-back and interlock elbows.  Then, they each attempt to walk in the direction they are facing… constant conflict ensues.

The parties in this relationship have long since lost that lovin’ feeling, and have somehow managed to come to an (often unspoken) agreement to just stay together.  This couple is constantly fighting or bickering, but never actually works on any of their problems.  They prefer being unhappily together to being alone.  Stuck in the comfortable rut of their relationship, they need each other so that they’re not alone.

I used to think that this pattern applied mostly to older, married couples (staying together “for the kids”).  However, the teens I taught quickly pointed out that many of their peers were in these relationships.  A fear of loneliness can prompt a person to do ridiculous things.

6. Martyr – The kinesthetic set-up has one lying on the floor while the other stands nearby.

The martyr willingly sacrifices their own needs and desires for the sake of the “standing partner,” often enabling the “standing partner’s” own unhealthy behavior.  The martyr’s actions appear incredibly generous, and the “standing partner” benefits from all the attention.

I do so much for you!

At first glance, the “standing partner” looks to be in charge, but the martyr controls this relationship.  How?  Perhaps by manipulating through passive-aggressive guilt, by quietly punishing the other by chronically being late or forgetting things, sulking when things don’t go their way, blaming others for their failures, playing mind games, and so on.

When I discussed Peck’s definition of love (in What Do You Mean?), I made a comment that it’s often difficult to understand why self-love is so important without discussing dependency.  Well, here we are: A person who does not have self-love is like half a person who is looking for another half a person to fill the void within and make them whole.  (Side note: THIS is what is SO WRONG with that oft quoted line from the movie Jerry Maguire, “You complete me.”  But I digress.)That’s not a “gift of one’s self.”  That’s dependency, not love.

You were created in the image and likeness of God.  You have human dignity.  Love extends from this gift of wholeness and dignity.

Erich Fromm incorporates self-love into his definition (emphasis in the original, Art of Loving 19):

Mature Love “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity” or individuality.

Giving of yourself does not mean giving up your identity.

Know yourself, be yourself, love yourself, and share that amazing self with another person.

THAT is love.

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