A 5th grade girl asked a simple question. A frequent visitor to nursing homes (while her Mom works as a nurse practitioner), Ruby asked a resident why she was looking outside so intently.  The woman paid a pet-sitter $12 to bring her dog of 12 years to visit; she watched as the dog left, not knowing when she’d see her beloved pet again. With tremendous empathy, Ruby saw that what brought this woman so much sadness had a simple answer. More, she started to wonder what other simple requests residents might have. So she simply asked: asked residents “if I could bring you 3 things in the whole world, what would those be?”  CNN reports Ruby found that rather than asking for a new car or a million dollars, the requests were simple things: pants that fit, a phone, pet food, fresh fruit. With the help of her mom, they set up a Facebook page “Three Wishes for Ruby’s Residents” and a GoFundMe account, raising more than $93,000 for residents in five nursing homes in Arkansas.

It’s so simple: See a need and respond with love.

On the path of discipleship, this is what God asks of us: to love one another as we are loved (John 13:34). To see and respond to the needs of the least of our brothers and sisters (Matthew 25:40).

Say to the Lord: “Here I am, send me!”

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I struggle with depression.

It’s hard to talk about this –this depression thing– because a lot of assumptions, judgments, silence, and well-meaning-but-misguided comments can be really damaging to a person who is already fragile and broken and overly-sensitive from fighting depression.

Right now, I’m doing really well.  Right now, the depression is under control and manageable.  So in some ways, right now is a good time for me to talk about it… because I’m not feeling so fragile.

More importantly, for the third time in the past year, I have been confidentially approached by a friend who struggles with this same life-sucking-beast… Each of these friends sheepishly ask if they are properly reading between the lines; do I struggle?  And each time, I cry with them as I say yes.  And I’m so sorry.  Because it sucks so bad.

I don’t want to be the poster child for depression, in part because everyone’s experience is so very different…  In part because declaring this to the nameless-faceless internet world makes me vulnerable in a way that I don’t particularly enjoy…

But my heart aches for those who suffer in silence and solitude.  I do want to share some “wisdom” I have gained along the way, and if it offers you hope, then it’s worth the risk.

For people that don’t understand depression, the first thing they want to know is why?  Why are you sad?  What’s wrong?  Clinical depression means that there is no good reason.

There are times in my life when a real crisis has prompted depression – sometimes there is a reason.  I’ve heard that called “situational depression.”  But the most confusing part for me was the time in my life when everything was beyond-my-wildest-dreams good, but I was not happy.  I had actually transitioned from a not-great situation into a phenomenal one.

You know that expression, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle?”  Well, I broke.  It was just too much stress, and I spiraled into the deep, dark negativity of depression.  In my depression, I believed every negative thought that crossed my mind.

• No one likes you.  They’re just being “nice.” 
• Every time you lose your temper and yell at these beautiful kids, you prove what a horrible mother you are.  
• Your husband is going to get sick of your [stuff]. 
• Pretty soon the textbook publisher is going to realize what a fraud you are.
• Everything is out of control, and it’s all your fault because you can’t handle it.

That’s the thing about depression; it lies to you about what an awful, inadequate person you are.  And you believe it.

I was just empty – except all the frustration I felt at every little thing, especially myself.  My life was devoid of joy, while I was the mother to two loving, excited, exuberant, exhausting little boys, which made me feel even worse about myself.  My marriage suffered when I finally admitted how I felt and just lay on the couch.  After meeting deadlines and taking care of the kids’ basic needs, I didn’t even have the energy.  For anything.

The depression impacted my spirituality in ways that are hard to explain.  I used to feel connected to God, but in the midst of depression, nothing I did in prayer or worship helped… nothing was connecting for me.  It all felt like going through the motions.  When your job is to write about faith–when your profession is “religious educator”–and you’re not feeling connected to God at all, it’s kind of a problem.

In my book, Continuing the Journey, Chapter 11 is about “Spiritual Crisis.”  What constitutes a spiritual crisis –much like depression– is different for different people.  Essentially, a spiritual crisis is when you are going through a rough patch spiritually.  From “Why is this happening God?!” to “Where are you God!?” and everything in-between.  It’s the desert experiences in the landscape of spirituality… It’s when we earnestly pray, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me” (Psalm 22:1).   Not everyone who goes through a spiritual darkness is in a depression, but for me, there was definitely overlap.  In my book, I noted that several well-known and influential people in the Christian tradition have struggled with this spiritual darkness, or what is often called “the dark night of the soul.”

• “St. John of the Cross is credited with the expression “dark night of the soul.”  In 1577, John was abducted, imprisoned, and tortured for his part in working on reforms to the Carmelite Order.  While in prison, John composed the poem Dark Night of the Soul.
• St. Teresa of Ávila was a close friend and contemporary of St. John of the Cross.  After unexpectedly healing from a serious illness and professing great devotion to St. Joseph, Teresa began struggling so deeply with spiritual darkness that she stopped praying for nearly two years.
• C.S. Lewis wrote about his spiritual darkness in A Grief Observed.  After years as an author, theologian, and expert in Christian apologetics, Lewis married his longtime friend Joy, who died of cancer only four years after they wed.
• Mother Teresa experienced a spiritual darkness that lasted for decades, which began shortly after she founded the Missionaries of Charity and started her work with the poor.” (Continuing the Journey, 47)

Reflecting on the idea that saints and holy people alike have struggled with the dark night of the soul gave me tremendous hope.  If they struggled with this emptiness, maybe it wasn’t a sign of my inadequacy and weakness… but rather maybe it was just a part of my story.

So getting back to my story: with the help of a really good therapist, the right anti-depressant, spiritual direction… and a lot of patience, and I came through it.

It took a few tries to get the right anti-depressant.  The first one numbed me… it was better that I wasn’t feeling so negative, but I also wasn’t feeling joy.  The second one worked for a bit… until it didn’t.  The third one was the charm.  While I worked with a psychiatrist to tinker with the right dosage of the right medication to get the chemicals in my brain to behave, I took the opportunity to work with a great counselor.  She helped me differentiate between what was real and what was my skewed interpretation of things courtesy of depression.

Depression lies.  It makes you not trust your own judgment.  It makes you feel like you deserve the negativity and emptiness.  Counselors can help you wade through this before, during and after the medication takes effect.

Counselors can also help you identify the warning signs of depression.  And triggers.  For me, stress triggers depression.

Last spring and summer, I worked my tail off to finish writing and publish my book.  Without money for childcare, I wrote about half of the book after the boys finished their school year.  That was extremely stressful.  And the depression came back.

As difficult as it was to admit that the depression was back, as difficult as it was to manage the stress, as difficult as it was to function, this time there were a few differences.

We had houseguests–a very special family of houseguests–in late-May.  As per my depression, everything annoys and frustrates me.   In this case, I had been annoyed and frustrated that one of these very special houseguests (“H”) was blowing off quality time visiting.  Now I knew that H struggles with anxiety and depression, but I hadn’t realized that when H would leave for large chunks of time to “go on a walk,” it was to work out the extra energy that accompanied the anxiety.  I was humbled.  And impressed by how insightful and courageous it was for H to prioritize self-care.  Because in the end, doing so made H a better parent, spouse, sibling, and friend.  And an awesome one, at that.

H and the family of very special houseguests extended their stay by a day because we were having such a wonderful visit.  After they left, I reflected on H’s insight, courage, and commitment to manage the anxiety and depression.  And I made an appointment to see my doctor about getting back on the anti-depressant.

Here’s what the anti-depressant does: it helps me be a little more in control of my spiraling emotions, which decreases the negativity just enough.

In the midst of all of this, I was also working on a retreat with an amazing group of women.  I felt that God was calling me to honestly share my struggle with depression, but I had no idea what to say.  Or why.  I actually got a little angry with God about this point.  After spending hours trying to figure out what to write, I sat back in my chair, leaned away from my laptop, raked my hands through my hair, looked up and yelled, “You want me to talk about this?  Then tell me what to say!  Because I don’t get it.  I’m done.”  It was nearly midnight and I was now frustrated and annoyed with God, so I walked away from the computer and went to bed.

The theme of the retreat came from Matthew 28:20  “I am with you always.”

At 5:51 am, I awoke with tremendous clarity, feeling fully refreshed.

I realized that in the midst of the darkness of depression, God never stopped whispering: “I am with you always.”

From the timing of the very special Houseguests, to my friends, to the community of women I shared my retreat with, to my husband, to my boys, God never stopped whispering his love.

Instead of accepting the lie of self-doubt and loneliness that depression brings, I began to see–and try to feel–the adoration of God.  As I sat at my desk that morning, trying to put into words how God whispers “I am with you always” to me, my 8-year-old son came bounding in to my home office just to give me a hug and kiss and tell me, “I love you, Mommy.”

That’s how I came to see and experience spirituality in depression: I surrendered to undeserved love.  And through the arms of my child, God hugged me.

For all the negativity I feel in the depression, God still manages to remind me I am with you always and I adore you.

This called my home by Daniel Wehner licensed under CC BY 2.0

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You know how timing is everything?

One night last week I was working on Sacrament prep with my younger son, Max.  The lesson, “God Loves Us,” asked him to identify some of the ways different people in his life help and love him.  Then, it asked him to identify some of the ways he offers help and love to others.  It was a good, simple 2nd Grade exercise, but it didn’t make that explicit connection back to the lesson title.  So we talked about it:

It turns out that our Sacrament prep conversation occurred on the evening of St. Teresa of Avila’s Feast Day.  The prayer attributed to St. Teresa, “Christ Has No Body But Yours,” touches upon this theme of God relying upon us to help and love others.

Making that connection between the idea of God’s love for us and our role in making that happen is important at any age.

Fast forward a couple of hours, and later that night, instead of making the kids’ lunches, I sat on the floor of my office and packed up 70 copies of Continuing the Journey to ship out to 35 different parishes in the Houston area.  (Yay book sales!)  So I went to bed promising to do lunches in the morning, even though I know that’s never a good idea. When I awoke with a viscous head cold, I decided to sleep in a little later, drop the kids at school, and then make and deliver those lunches by 11:30. Plenty of time!

Except before I went over to school, I stopped at the Post Office.  Turns out it takes a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I expected.  Turns out that I really should have either pre-paid or made an appointment.

All this to say that I was a little late in delivering the lunches… so late that I needed to walk them up to the boys’ classroom.  When I entered, I saw that my 8 year old son, Alex was sitting next to his teacher (never a good sign), who tells me, “We’re working on calming down.”

I take one look at Alex’s face and see the swollen, puffy red splotches around his eyes.  It was one of those “one-too-many-things-went-wrong” situations, but all he could focus on was this little plastic shoe lace lock thing that broke.

We have an expression in our male-dominated, engineer-brain, intense-personality house, which is simply “I need some love.”  Whether a person is sad or frustrated or feeling down or lonely or simply feeling cuddley, “I need some love“ is a request that is always honored.  It’s a stop-what-you’re-doing and be fully present to a full-body hug.  Thus far it has also involved the boys crawling into my lap.  This expression gets adapted to question form: “Do you need some love?” as well as a statement that accompanies a bear hug: “I just want to give you some love.”

So as we walked out of the school building towards the car, I picked him up into a bear hug so I could give him some love.  We got into the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

This made him cry even more, so I pulled the car over, he climbed into the front seat, and I just gave him some more love.

Alex is not the most verbally expressive kid, so I only got a few garbled pieces in a very high pitched voice, but one tidbit stood out.  When he had started to get emotional at school, one of the younger children in their mixed aged class called Alex a cry-baby, and then denied doing so when confronted.  Alex was most upset by the injustice of it all: Together, the students had created, agreed to, and and signed a Class Constitution that explicitly stated they are to show compassion to one another (not make fun of each other).

He was too upset to talk about it any more, so I gave some love and we went about running errands, fixing shoe lace locks, and stopping by a Starbucks to pick up a kid-hot-chocolate (which is a super-small serving at a kid-friendly “warm-chocolate” temperature).

Later in the afternoon, I told him about why I was so late to drop off the lunches–it took a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I thought.  But instead of the Post Office being a thorn, it turned out to be my rose.  If it wasn’t for this unexpected delay, I wouldn’t have been so late in dropping off the lunches that I needed to walk into his classroom at that moment and see him.  I wouldn’t have been there at exactly the right moment to give some love.

The reality is that this dynamic of giving and needing love presents itself to us every day.  Sometimes it’s obvious: your child is visibly upset and you have a unique opportunity to respond.  Sometimes it’s more subtle: a friend crosses your mind while you shower and you find yourself suddenly filled with gratitude for their presence in your life.

It’s at these times–both the obvious and the subtle–that God is tugging on our hearts and asking us to help Him shower His people with love.

• How do we respond to this tug?  By ignoring it? By lashing out against it? Or by offering love?

Free hugs by Hien Nguyen licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

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The Church often finds herself in that tension between the ideal and the real – between the theological vision of wholeness and the lived experience of brokenness.  The situation of marriage and family in the 21^st Century is one of those places of tension.  Divorce, annulment, marriage, and Pope Francis have been in the Catholic News a lot lately.  And I find my own personal lived experience weighing heavy on my heart.

What Catholic News?  The papal-celebrated-weddings:

…and the upcoming Synod of Bishops:

I have talked about my experience of divorce before, but not so much about my annulment.  At the time, I was in my first year of teaching theology in a Catholic high school; a job I was elated to have… a job I felt called to do.  When I pursued a nullity of marriage, it was not because of an impending re-marriage.  It was because I needed a spiritual cleansing.  I needed this off my permanent record.

Honestly, the annulment process did not achieve that spiritual cleansing for me.  I wish it did.  I wish there was some prayerful recognition of closure that was more spiritual than a stamped letter in the mail.

Though the grace of the Holy Spirit came through my family, friends, and therapist… though the pastor that worked with me was kind and wise and patient… though healing and wholeness came, I will never forget the deep spiritual longing that I felt.

I love that the Church is discussing divorce, annulment, and remarriage.  I love that it is recognized as a pastoral problem that needs to be addressed.  I love that Cardinal Walter Kasper–a prominent German theologian and former Vatican official–has suggested one approach that the Church might consider in the Synod is to allow divorced and remarried Catholics (whose previous marriages are not anulled) to receive Communion provided they display “a desire for the sacraments as a source of strength.”

“a source of strength…”

Theologically, the Church holds the Sacrament of Marriage in high regard; an annulment declares that something essential was missing, the marriage was not sacramental, and it is possible to dissolve.  What Cardinal Kasper is suggesting is not that the Church relaxes its teaching on Marriage, but rather that for people in deep spiritual longing, the Sacrament of Eucharist may be a source of strength.

From my own experience, I have to say my greatest hopes and deepest prayers are that the Synod find a way to better minister to the brokenness.

Photo by Paul Haring/CNS

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My kids have been flitting through some of the Disney Pixar movies.  Cars (2006) has always been a favorite, but The Incredibles (2004) has been making its rounds in our home as of late. Me being me, I can’t help but watch and think: The Incredibles is a great story to demonstrate vocational calling.

IMDB offers a basic plot summary:

In the movie itself as well as on film review sites like IMDB and Fandango, Mr. Incredible’s passion and desire for heroism is dismissed as nostalgia, reminiscing about the “good ole days.”

It’s so much more than that, though.

Look at Mr. Incredible while he’s suppressing his true self:

When he talks about his “glory days,” his eyes light up and the energy returns to his whole being.  After years of sneaking around and finding ways to clandestinely help people, Mr. Incredible responds to a cryptic invitation to secretly resume his superhero ways and fight bad guys.

The change in his whole being is evident: physically, emotionally, mentally, and I’d venture to say even spiritually. Instead of withdrawing into his mancave of memories, Mr. Incredible starts flirting with his wife and being more present to his family.

Plot twists abound, but suffice it to say the “happily ever after” of this Disney flick involves the whole Incredible family living out their vocation as superheros.

Vocational Calling

Calling a person’s job or career a vocation indicates something specific.  Google the definition of vocation and you can see certain words pop out:

The focus isn’t so much on the job itself as the sense of calling described as a strong feeling of suitability.  While Christian tradition will always insist that a person’s worth, value, and dignity are never limited to the function of his or her job, there is a deeper understanding that our passion, gifts, and talents are at the very core of our being.  This is how God created us; it is who God created us to be.  It is God who gives us this vocational calling.

Following our passions and using our gifts and talents (for good, not evil) gives greater glory to God.  And the rewards of living out one’s vocation abundantly flow to everyone in our lives: spouse, family, friends, co-workers… every person you encounter on your path.

Not doing this–not following one’s vocational calling and suppressing who you are called to be–takes its toll in more ways than one.

Watching The Incredibles is a fun way to visit this dynamic, especially the transformation that happens when a person can (finally) live out their vocation.  But the real challenge–and rewards–come in actually doing it.

• Do you know someone who is living out their vocational calling?  Or do you know of a Mr. Incredible in your own life that desperately needs to do so?  What piece of this speaks to where you are with your own vocation?

Incredible Bokeh by JD Hancock licensed under CC BY 2.0

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Recognizing the Workings of the Holy Spirit in your life is one of the surest ways to discerning God’s will.  It’s a lot easier to do when you’re looking back on your life. (For an example of what that might look like, read Part 1 in this series.)

Figuring out what you’re called to do is only part of it.  Actually doing it can be a little scary, especially if things go awry.  (For more on this, read Part 2.) 

Following God’s will in your life isn’t a once-and-done thing either.  It’s an ongoing conversation with God.  The promptings of the Holy Spirit are constant, sometimes bearing unexpected messages, but always filled with the goodness of God.  (For more on this, read Part 3.)

And now for Part 4

When My Plans Cooperate with the Holy Spirit

After my year of international travel, where my ministry as a teacher took me to see concentration camps in Poland, and visit the Holy Land of Israel (did I mention I did all this traveling for free?!),  things changed.

Alexander Raymond Dienno Demarest

Peter holding Alex for the first time

Part of the plan was – as a teacher – to have the baby in the summer and return to teaching when he was 3 months old.  Alex was born on the Fourth of July.  I was able to stay home until October, and then resume teaching Morality to my three classes of juniors and directing the Service Learning Program.

Everything was going according to plan.

It was a busy school year, especially with an infant at home.  As a working mother, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of chaos at all times.  The one piece of advice I try to give new working mothers is: You’re not doing it wrong.  It’s just hard.  Worth it, but hard.  I definitely recognized the Workings of the Holy Spirit in all the joy that came out of just loving him.

I loved teaching, even though I felt like I was always behind and could never catch up.  I loved my students – such bright kids with great questions who enjoyed my passion for the material.  I definitely recognized the Workings of the Holy Spirit in my classroom.

I also followed the promptings of the Holy Spirit and submitted proposals to present my insights on Establishing a Service Learning Program in Catholic High Schools.  Among others, I presented at the National Catholic Educator Association (NCEA) Convention  Several of the attendees asked “What resources would you suggest?”  At that point, there weren’t really any resources that could speak to both the theological and practical (pastoral) dimensions of doing Service Learning in Catholic high schools.  “Well, you kind of have to do what I did: read the Church documents and put it together.”  When I recounted this story to Peter, he said I should write a book.

After the NCEA Convention, another attendee invited me to present at the Center for Concern’s Educating for Justice summer seminar on Service Learning.  In my little world, these were pretty big deals.  I definitely recognized the Workings of the Holy Spirit in all of this.

Time flew by that school year, and each day was jam packed.

It was May 2. The day after Service Hours were due.  I was exhausted.  I had discovered that five students had cheated on their service hours.  It was just a bad day.  I’m at home, sitting in the rocking chair watching Oprah, holding a satisfied 10 month old who just finished nursing.  Peter hands me a gin and tonic.  As I happily sip, I think to myself: Wow, I’m really nauseous.

And as those words float past in a thought bubble above my head, I immediately shout to Peter (with panic): “YOU DON’T THINK I’M PREGNANT, DO YOU?!?!”

When God Has Other Plans

Turns out, breastfeeding is not a form of birth control.

It was not my plan to have my boys 17 months apart.  It was not my plan to stop teaching, but there was no way we could justify the expense of two babies under two in daycare on a Catholic school teacher’s salary.  Nor the insanity of it all.

It was not my plan, but it was what was happening.

As I freaked out and cried, Peter reminded me: the timing wasn’t the plan, but we did plan to have another baby.  And he was right.  But I was still reeling from what I saw as an abrupt and unexpected end to my teaching career.  (I can be a little melodramatic.)

It took me a long time to see that this was God’s Plan.  But it was.  And here’s how it unraveled:

I presented at that Summer Service Learning Symposium with the Center for Concern.  Once again, an attendee asked for resources.  Once again, I replied there wasn’t any that I knew of.

But this time, I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  Instead of thinking someone should write one, I decided to be that someone.  So during Alex’s naps, and after his bedtime, I worked on turning my Master’s Thesis (and all of my practical insights from five years in the field) into a book.

Still overwhelmed by the idea of having two babies under two, it helped me channel my energy into something creative, positive, and life-giving.

Then this happened:

Maximilian Dienno Demarest

The stress of two babies under two was intense.  But so was the love.  Those first six months were a blur.  But we did it.

I was about 80% finished writing the book when Max was born.  I was still looking for someone to publish it.  I had no idea how I would manage to write while mothering.  And then Peter realized that he had extra funds in his pre-tax child care account through his job; we had already covered the costs of a sitter.  Things just have a way of working out with the Holy Spirit.

There’s a lot of things I forgot during this blur, but I do remember having a phone conversation with my friend Theresa, a friend from my time at Boston College.  After she finished her PhD, Theresa became an assistant professor for BC through her own Workings of the Holy Spirit.

In one of our conversations, I happen to mention to Theresa that I was surprised to discover how much I loved the process of research and writing.  It was exciting and exhilarating.

Playing cards with Theresa

Some time later, Theresa called to say that while she was at a conference representing the program at Boston College, she had a conversation with a mutual friend (and former professor of mine), Mike Carotta.  He was working with a textbook publisher who was looking for people with a background in theology, experience in education, that could write.

During this same time, Peter finally explained how his job environment had begun to crush his spirit.  As he looked for a new job, the Holy Spirit helped me say, “Wherever you need us to move, wherever you need us to go, we will go.”  And by the grace of God, I meant it.

On our way to Austin for my sister’s wedding, Peter got two phone calls for two interviews in Houston.  Since we were already going to be in the state of Texas, and since Peter really had no other wedding-related jobs but dutiful husband and father, he spent a day interviewing in Houston.  Things just have a way of working out with the Holy Spirit. 

Laurie and Sam’s Wedding

Two weeks later they called to say he got the job.

So add selling the house and preparing for a corporate move on top of the stress of two babies under two.  (Side note: after a week of insane preparation, our house was on the market for 10 days and sold for full asking price.)

All this to say, I don’t remember when it happened, but at some point in my search for a publisher for my book on Service Learning, I received a YES.   Again, my heart did cartwheels.  Thank you Holy Spirit!  

This publisher was located in Washington DC, so I found a sitter and rode the METRO downtown for an in-person chat.  In our meeting, however, I found out that since the audience for the book was such a niche market, there wasn’t funding approval for a book.  They could publish it as a series of journal articles or publish it as an e-book.  My disappointment was palpable.

I spent some time checking in with God on this one, though, before I said no thanks.  At this point (in 2007), neither of the options that this publisher was suggesting was going to solve the problem teachers in the trenches were facing – a lack of accessible resources.  Those journal articles tended to stay on the desks of principals.  And in 2007, e-books weren’t really a thing.  I may get published, but it’s not going to actually help the people I wrote the book for.

So I cried a bit on the METRO ride home, paid the sitter, and fed the babies.  And then I did something so outside of my comfort zone it kind of makes me cringe as I retell it: I went into my office, pulled Mike’s book off my shelf, Googled his publisher, cold called their 800-number, and left him a message.

When I don’t know what to do with a bunch of (negative) emotional energy, I channel it in to something I feel God is calling me towards, but I’m really scared to do.  

And what do you know, it worked out.

You Can’t Imagine The Plans God Has

Mike called me, I recalled Theresa’s summation: “looking for people with a background in theology, experience in education, that could write” and explained myself.  He said, “Email this conversation to me and I’ll forward it to the powers-at-be.”

So I did.  And he did.  That was on Friday.  On Monday, there was an email from an Editorial Director asking for a writing sample, followed by a phone interview and a non-disclosure agreement.

After a few months, my part in the project – to write some features for the textbook series – was about to start.  We were now living in Houston.  Hurricane Ike blew through and knocked one of the 60-foot pines away from the house (Praise Jesus).

Hurricane Ike hit 6 wks after we moved in to our new house.

The Editorial Director called and asked me if I would like to write the Teacher’s Editions for the series.  And I said no.  In nine years of teaching I had never used a Teacher’s Edition.  And I couldn’t see working on something I would never use.  To be honest, there was just too much stress in my life with the two kids, new city, and new house to do that.  So before I had a chance to filter my answer, it just all came out (in respectful honesty).

So she said, “Well what if you could create something that you would use?”  So I talked about what that might look like.  And then she said, “Ok, we’ll pay you for this conversation.  Can you create a prototype in two weeks?”

My jaw dropped.  [Silence]  “Um, yeah.  Sure.”

So while working on the TE prototype (I now know that’s publishing lingo for Teacher’s Edition), I was running into difficulties with how some things were explained in the Student text.  So she suggested that I also be part of the review process as a contributing editor to the Student Editions as well.

I sent off the TE prototype and needed to wait a couple months before the next step in the process would begin.  So somehow, the Holy Spirit managed to nudge me to edit, finish, and self-publish my book: Living the Vision: A Pastoral Guide to Service Learning in Catholic High Schools.  And yes, I have an e-book available, too.

And then I started really working on the textbook series.  I was the primary author for five of the six Teacher’s Editions, and a contributing editor for the first four Student Editions.  I loved the team of people I worked with, I loved the process, and I am really proud of the finished product.

So that, my friends, is how I ended up with a job that has been beyond my wildest dreams.

Here’s what I’ve come to know about the Workings of the Holy Spirit:

• It’s really awesome when your plans and God’s plans align.  You feel like partners with the Holy Spirit.


• It’s really scary when God’s plans go in a totally different direction than your plans.  But go with it.  Use anger or disappointment to motivate you to surpass fear.


• If you think it’s awesome when your plans and God’s plans align, it’s going to blow your mind when you see what happens when God’s plans come to fruition.  It’s beyond your wildest dreams AMAZING.

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In Part 1, I told the story of how I ended up at my undergraduate college as a theology major, explaining three indications that it just might be the work of the Holy Spirit:

1. A series of uncanny coincidences with impeccable timing
2. Realizing you have a passion about something
3. Feeling certain that you need to follow your passion, even if you’re unsure of how to proceed.

Part 2 explained that: 

1. Saying “Yes-But-No” (or “Not right now”) to the Holy Spirit doesn’t really work.
2. Actually Living Out Your Passion involves taking some leaps of faith.
3. Sometimes Things Fall Apart, but God is still at work.

As Dr. Seuss writes in Oh the Places You Will Go

It is tempting to think that Things Falling Apart is an indication that you have chosen the wrong path.  Sometimes, yes – that’s what it means (particularly when we say Yes-But-No to the Spirit).  Other times, no – not so much.  Rather, it’s the same path, only a different direction.  It’ll take some more story-telling to explain what I mean.  So on to Part 3.

Living the Dream

I mentioned in Part 2 that “I took the initiative to pursue a dream to go to…Boston College.”  I had held this dream for years, but kept making excuses for why it couldn’t happen: finances, time, relationships, etc.  But it stayed in my thoughts and in my heart.

The Holy Spirit speaks to us through our innermost desires and passions.  Gently nudging us along… until we don’t listen.  Then the Spirit smacks us upside the head. (I’m a tad stubborn, so I get smacked upside the head by the Spirit quite a bit.)  Which is how I ended up at Boston College.  It took an unhealthy work environment, the encouragement of a boyfriend, and the voices of two separate friends from different areas of my life to get me to even apply.

My time at BC was fantastic; the course-work and the community were exactly what I needed.  It gave voice and clarity to the leanings of my pedagogy (educational theory and practice) while deepening my background in theology.

with Tom Groome

While I was in Boston, I continued to long-distance-date the areospace engineer I had met in Austin (which is really hard to do with a guy that doesn’t talk on the phone).  Peter had since completed his PhD and moved to the Washington DC area to work with NASA Goddard.  Somehow (I seriously don’t remember how), I was given the opportunity to help represent BC’s program at a conference in Washington DC. (I loved my program at BC so much, I would have happily gone anywhere to do this for them, but bonus: free airfare and time to visit Peter!)

“Thy Will Be Done” (Not My Will Be Done)

While explaining BC’s program to various people, I meet Malcolm.  His name tag tells me he’s a teacher at a school in Maryland.  I mention that I will be finishing my degree in the summer, moving to this area, and looking for a job.  He says he works for The Best Catholic High School in the region, and they are looking for a new Religion Teacher for the following school year.  While we exchanged information, I was pretty sure this was the first time I actually recognized the Work of the Holy Spirit while it was happening.

Met with the Principal.  Fell in love with the school.  However, she wanted to hire me as the school’s first full-time Campus Minister.  In addition to retreats and liturgies, the first big task the Religion Department needed was an overhaul of the Service Learning Program.

It just so happened that my Master’s Thesis was on Service Learning, but this direction wasn’t what I had in mind.  My love and passion were for teaching.  This is one of the many examples in my life where I had a hard time embracing God’s plan because it wasn’t exactly matching up with my plan.

You know the story of the Rich Young Man?

When I (eventually) said yes, I was comforted by the idea that I would at least be teaching one class.  So I finished my time at Boston College, moved to Maryland, and started working at Seton.

Listening to the Voice Within (Or Not)

While my thesis had help me create a substantive Service Learning Program grounded in Scripture and Tradition, my professors at Boston College had also helped me know that it would be necessary to prepare the community for a paradigm shift in attitudes in order for the program to be successful.

Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to the voice within.  I wanted to educate the whole community about both What the changes were and Why there were going to be changes.  The Principal said there wasn’t a need because these changes were considered a Religion Department policy.  I should have insisted.  I knew better.  But I was already so busy working with students and parents, so I conceded.

One of the reasons Seton is such a fantastic school is the community.  The faculty care deeply about the students whole well-being.  So when the students reacted strongly against the changes, (some many) of the faculty reacted along with them.  It was hard on me.  It took over a year of fighting the good fight (with the Principal always having my back, as she said she would) to get the whole community on board.  It happened (commitment to service became integral to the school’s identity); but it didn’t have to be so hard.

What was easy, though, was teaching.  The one little class I had was the highlight of my day, every day.  After a couple of years, I did listen to the voice within and asked to shift to more-teaching and less-campus ministry.  Yes, it helped that the voice within was encouraging me to do what I wanted.  But still.  I listened.

I certainly listened to the Spirit when Peter and I married.

Seton’s Gospel Choir sang at our wedding, and two of my students were part of a liturgical dance that my friend Susan choreographed.

Through the ADL (and with the support of Seton), I was able to participate in the March of the Living in Poland.

In this March, Jewish high school students and Catholic educators joined Holocaust survivors in the two mile walk from the smaller camp of Auschwitz to the massive concentration camp of Birkenau.

What was once a march of death (to the gas chambers) has become a March of Life and commitment to Never Again.

Later that same year, I participated in the ADL’s Bearing Witness Advanced in Israel, which again deepened my passion and enriched my understanding of the Holocaust, Judaism, and antisemitism.

at the Sea of Galilee

Sunrise hike up Masada

Praying at the Western Wall

on the camel everyone gets a picture riding after climbing Masada and floating in the Dead Sea

I think it is safe to say that my parents no longer wondered what I would do with a degree in theology.

To recap:

• The Holy Spirit speaks to us through our innermost desires and passions.  Live the dream by listening to that.
• Sometimes God’s plan is slightly different from your plan.  Be open to it.
• Listen to the voice within.  That’s the work of the Spirit as well.

Boston T Party 114 – Boston College by Michael Femia licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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In Part 1, I told the story of how I ended up at my undergraduate college as a theology major, explaining three indications that it just might be the work of the Holy Spirit:

1. A series of uncanny coincidences with impeccable timing
2. Realizing you have a passion about something
3. Feeling certain that you need to follow your passion, even if you’re unsure of how to proceed.

And #3’s Certain Yet Unsure is where Part 2 picks up.  

Yes-But-No

I was graduating with a BA in Theology, certain I was called to teach, but doubtful that I could find a job.  So I made my first big mistake with the Holy Spirit: I said “Yes, but No.  It can’t happen.  I’ll do it eventually, but I can’t right now.  I’m not qualified.”

So I graduated and started working in Telecommunications, training people to use their business telephone and voicemail systems. It wasn’t theology, but at least it wasn’t (as Lloyd Dobler explains in Say Anything) “selling anything, buying anything, or processing anything.”

Um, let me turn off this episode of Little House on the Prairie.

YES, I am interested.

I interviewed with the Archdiocese who promised that following my short-term sub assignment, they definitely had long-term and ultimately permanent positions available, should I be interested.

Thus began my teaching career.

Living Out the Passion

While I was confident that this was the path for me, I was still apprehensive. There was a lot I didn’t know about my subject area.  And I lacked the educational training.

So I went for it.  I taught five classes of high school seniors in the biggest Catholic school in Philadelphia.  I poured my heart into my lessons and presented with the passion and excitement that led me to the field.  I used my organizational skills to clearly explain my expectations.  And I had a great team of colleagues to turn to for advice.  I didn’t have many problems with classroom management; though I probably should have written a few more students up for behavior than I did.

I found the “sweet-spot” of teaching – that “Ah-ha! Moment” – to be exhilarating.  This was it.  I was doing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

And Then Things Fell Apart

Just a month into the following school year, my life fell apart.  Like crisis-of-faith, deep-depression,  pick-up-the-shattered-pieces-of-my-life-and-move-across-the-country “fell apart.”

So, I finished teaching the semester, moved to Texas to be with my family, and committed to healing and rebuilding my life on a happier and healthier foundation.

After spending a few months working in telecommunications (isn’t it amazing that I had that skill-set under my belt and had a “real job” within weeks of my arrival?), I started teaching again in the only Catholic high school in Austin at that time (isn’t it amazing that such a small school had a position available for me the following school year?).

Possibly the first picture ever taken of us

The atmosphere of my job had changed substantially. So much so that I took the initiative to pursue a dream to go to graduate school. I can’t quite explain why, but the deepest desires of my heart yearned for Boston College. A colleague asked me which program I was interested in, and without much thought, I replied: the Masters in Theology. Erin encouraged me to look into the IREPM – a program designed for people like me, called the Institute of Pastoral Ministry and Religious Education. Consequentially, a friend of mine from undergrad–Susan–had been telling me the same thing. Of course, when I looked in to it, the program was exactly what I wanted and needed.  (The IREPM has since become part of Boston College’s School of Theology and Ministry.)

Once again, I’m going to pause here and draw attention to a few themes:

• Saying “Yes-But-No” to the Holy Spirit doesn’t really work.  Kind of like Jonah and the Big Fish, God will get God’s way with you eventually.


• Actually Living Out Your Passion may involve taking some leaps of faith.  Trust like Moses, pray like Solomon.  It’s worth it.


• Sometimes Things Fall Apart.  God is still at work in your life.  Pick up the pieces and move on.  God moves with you (and for you, and through you, but that’s another post).

“Students and tutor in class © Depositphotos.com/monkeybusiness”

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Have you ever had one of those conversations that center around “How You Got to Where You Are”?

• How did you end up moving [here]?


• Why did you decide upon [that university]?


• That’s an interesting job… how did you come to that line of work?<[/list-child]
• How did you meet [your husband]?
[/list] A few months ago, thanks to FaceBook, I reconnected with a friend I met in 1999, when we both started working at a Catholic high school in Austin. In our catch-up conversation, Ayne asked, "How did you go from teaching to writing?" For a while, my phraseology was a secular blend of user-friendly language: "it was totally random," "everything just kind of fell into place," or "coincidentally..."  It's not that I didn't recognize Divine Providence when it happened, it's just that the workings of the Holy Spirit are often so unbelievable that it's hard to describe... Most recently, my friend Heidi introduced me to Theology of the Body guy, Christopher West, and explained my background writing for Our Sunday Visitor’s textbook series.  Shaking my hand, Christopher asks, “So how did you get that gig?”
[column width="1_2" last="0"]

Me: “Long, convoluted story.  Short version: Holy Spirit.”

Christopher: [Laughing] “Fair enough.”

Me: “I mean I could ask the same of you: How did you end up doing THIS gig?”

Christopher: [Nodding] “Holy Spirit.”

And we all laughed.
[/column]
[column width="1_2" last="1"]
[caption id="attachment_578" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Christopher, Heidi, and Jason (Christopher’s assistant)[/caption][/column]
How did I end up going from teaching to writing?  How did I end up with the most amazing, beyond-my-wildest-dreams, dream-job? The short answer is truly: through the workings of the Holy Spirit.

When I look back on my story–when I look back on my life–I see the workings of the Holy Spirit with great clarity.  I see it happening in my life when things just work out.  Sometimes it’s when certain doors close and others open.  Maybe it’s just me, but this can be confusing, especially if you thought you were on the right path and then come to find out you made a terrible mistake.

Perhaps if I explain my own story, it’ll make more sense.

A Series of Uncanny Coincidences with Impeccable Timing 

In my teens, I was constantly busy with one of two activities: youth group in my wonderful parish and the incredible theatre program in my public high school.
[column width="1_2" last="0"][caption id="attachment_574" align="alignleft" width="194"] Vernon Township High School Theatre[/caption][/column]

[column width="1_2" last="1"][caption id="attachment_575" align="alignright" width="300"] Antioch Youth Group, St. Francis de Sales Parish[/caption][/column]

When the questions about college came up, I took those activities to their logical end: I was interested in majoring in technical theatre at a college that could nurture my spirituality.  Conveniently, there was this cute guy in my youth group that was a theatre major at Muhlenberg College (a Lutheran liberal arts college in the Allentown, PA area).  He loved it, and that was endorsement enough for me at the age of 17, in the summer before Senior Year.

That summer, my parents spent a few days at the Jersey Shore with my Dad’s parents.  Pop asks, “Where’s Julie thinking about going to college?”  At the very moment that my Mom replies, “Oh, some Catholic university in Allentown…” a couple walks along the beach hand-in-hand, wearing Allentown College of St. Francis de Sales t-shirts.  She jumps up and proceeds to interview these strangers on the details of the college.  Later that night Mom calls to verify what colleges I’m looking at, and when I proceed to correct her, she actually gets all indignant with me.  Insists I look at Allentown, because as the strangers on the beach said: they have a very good theatre program and they’re Catholic.  Even though our parish was also named St. Francis de Sales, I still wasn’t sold.  I mean, COME ON!  But as any adolescent would, I told her what she wanted to hear so I could get off the phone, mumbled my “whatever” and rolled my eyes.

[caption id="attachment_554" align="aligncenter" width="570"] Pop and my Dad at the Jersey Shore, 1991[/caption]

The following month I was seated in the Guidance Office, using the computer program which asks you to enter all of your college criteria so as to narrow down your limitless choices of colleges and universities to 25 or less.  Of course–alphabetically–Allentown College of St. Francis de Sales was first on the list.  Weeks later, at the high school college fair, I visited Muhlenberg’s table only to be told that they’d suggest I contact Allentown College (who wasn’t even at the college fair!).  So fine.  I grudgingly made an appointment to visit for their Open House and even agreed to stay for an overnight visit with some students.

Sure enough, once we arrived on campus, I was sold.  My heart delighted in the rolling hills of Center Valley.   Their theatre program was exactly what I was looking for.  And without a doubt, I found a spiritual home.

[caption id="attachment_555" align="aligncenter" width="570"] The beautiful valley in Allentown College’s (now DeSales University’s) campus.[/caption]

Realizing Passion and Finding (a little) Clarity

As it turned out, I really enjoyed theatre, but more as a hobby than a career.  So I changed majors.  But I really had no idea what I wanted to do.  Or what I was supposed to do.  It was at that time that I was taking my first theology course.  And. I. LOVED. IT.  Not just “really enjoyed,” but exploding with THIS STUFF IS AWESOME passion.  My heart and my brain came together with excitement. PASSION.

But I still had no idea that this would actually go anywhere.

And then I was sitting in a study group, preparing for the mid-term or final in this theology class.  We were taking turns explaining concepts when, after one of the guys correctly explained a concept, he simply said: “Still, I just don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense.”  So I give it a shot.  I was a little surprised by the clarity that came out of my mouth, but it worked: he got it and so did everyone else in the group.

Certainty and Doubt

When I told my parents that I wanted to be a theology major, they both asked what I would possibly do with this (very expensive) degree.  I had no idea.  But I just had to do it.

By my senior year of undergrad I knew I ultimately wanted to teach theology, but figured I’d have to get a degree in education first.  Note that I never actually looked into the options… I just convinced myself that it wouldn’t work… it couldn’t work.



I’m going to pause here in my story and  draw attention to a few themes.  If you experience any of the following, consider that it just might be the work of the Holy Spirit:
[list] [list-child icon="fa-arrow-right"]A series of uncanny coincidences with impeccable timing


• Realizing you have a passion about something


• Feeling certain that you need to follow your passion, even if you’re unsure of how to proceed.

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