My kids, ages 8 and 9 1/2, were registered to do their third Kids-Triathlon.

First Tri in 2014

Second Tri in 2015

And then three weeks before the race this year, my youngest, Max, broke his arm (for the second time in 8 months–this time while playing the-floor-is-lava).

He was disappointed that he couldn’t do the tri, but understood.  There were tears, but Max has a positive, fun, jovial disposition.  While others might sulk, he had a moment of sad, then moved on to joking and cheering… until the night before the race, when he started to cry.  Overcome with disappointment, he cried, “I weally wanted to do this twiathlon…”

I had a choice: I could tell him to simply chin-up and deal with the consequences of his broken arm, I could join him in his devastation and call off his brother’s tri, or I could meet him with compassion and find a way to help him work through it.

And we eagerly waited his return…

After a while I knew something was wrong; it was taking too long.

Finally Max spotted him off in the distance.

Crying, he ran his bike through the end of the course, into transition.

So I took him by the hand and walked him over to his coach.  A multiple Ironman, multiple ultra-marathon (100 mile) finisher, who coached kids at the YMCA for free, just to share his love of the sport.  A grandfather, who loves kids as much as he loves the sport… who is one of the best examples of coaching that this professional educator has ever witnessed in her life.

And this Ironman Coach Grandpa explains to Alex that his determination to finish–that he didn’t just give up–was one of the most inspirational things he had ever seen.

Still, Alex couldn’t understand.  Still, Alex couldn’t comprehend.  So Coach Grandpa asked if he could take a picture and post his story on Facebook.  Because he was certain that there were other Triathletes that would find inspiration from this 9 year old.

We packed up and headed home.  And I insisted that Alex read the comments on Coach Grandpa and my own Facebook posts.  For some reason, when he started to read the comments of strangers who were moved by the fact that he still finished the race, things started to shift for him.  “Wow.”

Why is it that we doubt the words of those who love us, but accept the words of those we don’t know?

Regardless, those words were heard.  The affirmations of strangers were heard.  The encouragement of his Coach was heard.  And Alex started to look at his Triathlon in a new light.

Where he once saw failure, he started to see determination.

Where he once saw frustration, he started to see success.

And I finally let myself cry, but not for hurt, or pain, or disappointment.  Rather for pride.

What may have been my son’s worst experience ever may have been the proudest Mom-moment of my life.

Because he finished.

Not because he won, but because he didn’t give up.  He finished.

My son faced adversity, felt the full brunt of it, and said to himself, “I could quit, but it’s only another 1/2 mile.  I can make it.”

And he did.  He finished.

There are so many lessons I take from this experience.

• From Max who at 8 years old allowed himself to feel intense disappointment, yet didn’t let it consume him… rather, he chose to cheer on his friends.
• From Alex, my tenacious 9 1/2 year old, who didn’t give up.
• From perfect strangers who not only found inspiration from Alex’s story, but who took the time to applaud his tenacity.
• From a man who volunteers his time, talent, and treasure to help kids find success with and develop a love of his sport.
• From my husband who sees the moments of real, in-the-trenches-mothering, applauds them, and captures them on film.

When Jesus said to love one another as I have loved you… this is what he meant.  Yes, my kid did a great job at overcoming adversity, but he wouldn’t have been able to do it without you and me. When Jesus said “whatever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, you do to me,” this is part of that.

As a Mom, when I love my kid in his time of need, I’m being Christ to him.  As a community, when you reach out to someone with encouragement and love, you’re being Christ to him.  You are loving one another as Christ loved us.

This is it.  Right here, right now.  And we did it.  He finished.  And he’s proud because of you.  So thank you.

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Love one another as I have loved you.  (John 13:34)

Unconditional agape love.  That’s how God loves us; that’s how we’re called to love one another.

To be honest, that’s hard.

Consider that line from that Billy Joel song: “I love you just the way you are.”  Think about the people that you love, whether it’s your romantic love interest, children, siblings, parents, friends… Consider whether you can truly say, “I love you just the way you are.”

Because that’s how God loves us.  Just the way we are.  We do not have to be perfect for God to love us.  God loves us just the way we are.  And there is tremendous freedom in that.

Spiritual teacher and mystic Anthony de Mello, S.J. (1931-1987) wrote a beautiful parable on this in The Song of the Bird.

De Mello concludes by asking: Is this how you love me, God?

Notice that the focus is not whether or not a person should change (to be healthier, happier, or more whole). But rather, change is not a condition for genuine, authentic agape love.

That’s beautiful, but really hard to live out.

Sometimes, in order for us to have agape love for one another, the nature of our relationship has to change.  It’s hard to be in a romantic relationship–and have unconditional love–for someone who is unhealthy.  It’s hard to be in a close friendship–and have unconditional love–for someone who is unhealthy.

We love them, and we want them to change.  We love them, and we want wholeness and fullness of life for them.

But we are called to love them unconditionally.  Not change them.

It’s hard.  Not impossible, but certainly, understandably difficult.

Difficult, but beautiful and true.

Here’s the deepest beauty of it: it’s the only way to truly live and truly love.

One of the greatest mistakes I ever made could have been prevented if I spent time with this truth.  If I asked myself:

• Do I love him just the way he is?
• What if he never changes?  
• Do I love him just the way he is or do I love his potential?  
• Do I love him just the way he is or do I love the person he’s becoming?

Because if I was to be honest with myself, the answer was no.  In that case, the most loving thing I could have done was to step away from the demands of the relationship so that I didn’t need him to change.  So that I could love him just the way he was.

Actually, I need to ask myself this in all of my relationships–with my spouse, my children, my siblings, my parents, and my friends.

This truth–this unconditional love–has the power to transform our relationships, especially when the people that we love know that we love them unconditionally.

If it’s too hard to hold this truth with a relationship, maybe we need to re-evaluate the relationship.

When re-evaluating a relationship, sometimes it make more sense to walk away–even if only for a period of time–particularly when it comes to dating relationships or friendships.

There are other relationships that demand honoring a deeper commitment, such as Sacramental marriage and parent-child relationships.  Re-evaluating these relationships with a deeper sense of unconditional love will mean different things for different people.  Perhaps it means working to find something to love about that person. Perhaps it means “tough love” and boundaries.

There is no single answer.  There is no easy answer.

There is only the call to love one another as Christ loves us.

Because, as it’s been said, “the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

Unconditional Love by Bunches and Bits {Karina} licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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I love decorating the Christmas tree.  I relive the memories associated with each ornament – remembering special moments with friends and vacations with family.  I turn on Christmas music, I have a glass of wine, and I enjoy the memories.

A few years ago, my husband wanted to try doing a time-lapse photography of our Christmas tree decorating.  Photography is one of his hobbies, he already had most of the gadgets, and was able to borrow the one piece of equipment he didn’t have (an interval-something).  Afterwards, he’d take the hours of pictures and edit them into 2 minute video clip set to music.  All it required of me was to decorate, so I agreed.

I have to admit, the Tree Trimming video turned out so well that it became a tradition.

The thing is that every year, I struggle with the Tree Trimming video drawing my attention to all that is less-than-perfect.  This year we got our first artificial tree, and despite my attempts to spread out the branches (as evidenced in the first full minute), I notice at least three gaping holes.  My boys love helping, and I know it’s important to share the memories with them… but they move faster than my stories do, and they don’t spread the decorations… they clump them together.  So I spend much of my time re-locating their efforts (as evidenced by minutes 2-3:45).  At 3:05, you’ll notice that glass of wine.  At 3:18, my older son knocked it over and I spend through 3:27 cleaning the stain out of the carpet.

This means that I will choose to embrace the cuteness of minutes 1:18-1:24, where Alex reads the meaning of the Twelve Bride’s Tree Ornaments while Max and I hang them.  Or at 2:25 where I get my 8 1/2 year old to pause for a kiss long enough to capture it on the time-lapse.  Or 3:37 where Max suggests “a family hug,” followed by dancing.

Rejecting perfectionism isn’t easy for me, but it’s something I must do as a matter of faith and a matter of love.  It’s not that I’m not aware of these imperfections… it’s that I am invited to release them so I can experience the fullness of life.

• What do you need to let go of to prepare your heart for the hope and joy of the coming of Christ?

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You know how timing is everything?

One night last week I was working on Sacrament prep with my younger son, Max.  The lesson, “God Loves Us,” asked him to identify some of the ways different people in his life help and love him.  Then, it asked him to identify some of the ways he offers help and love to others.  It was a good, simple 2nd Grade exercise, but it didn’t make that explicit connection back to the lesson title.  So we talked about it:

It turns out that our Sacrament prep conversation occurred on the evening of St. Teresa of Avila’s Feast Day.  The prayer attributed to St. Teresa, “Christ Has No Body But Yours,” touches upon this theme of God relying upon us to help and love others.

Making that connection between the idea of God’s love for us and our role in making that happen is important at any age.

Fast forward a couple of hours, and later that night, instead of making the kids’ lunches, I sat on the floor of my office and packed up 70 copies of Continuing the Journey to ship out to 35 different parishes in the Houston area.  (Yay book sales!)  So I went to bed promising to do lunches in the morning, even though I know that’s never a good idea. When I awoke with a viscous head cold, I decided to sleep in a little later, drop the kids at school, and then make and deliver those lunches by 11:30. Plenty of time!

Except before I went over to school, I stopped at the Post Office.  Turns out it takes a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I expected.  Turns out that I really should have either pre-paid or made an appointment.

All this to say that I was a little late in delivering the lunches… so late that I needed to walk them up to the boys’ classroom.  When I entered, I saw that my 8 year old son, Alex was sitting next to his teacher (never a good sign), who tells me, “We’re working on calming down.”

I take one look at Alex’s face and see the swollen, puffy red splotches around his eyes.  It was one of those “one-too-many-things-went-wrong” situations, but all he could focus on was this little plastic shoe lace lock thing that broke.

We have an expression in our male-dominated, engineer-brain, intense-personality house, which is simply “I need some love.”  Whether a person is sad or frustrated or feeling down or lonely or simply feeling cuddley, “I need some love“ is a request that is always honored.  It’s a stop-what-you’re-doing and be fully present to a full-body hug.  Thus far it has also involved the boys crawling into my lap.  This expression gets adapted to question form: “Do you need some love?” as well as a statement that accompanies a bear hug: “I just want to give you some love.”

So as we walked out of the school building towards the car, I picked him up into a bear hug so I could give him some love.  We got into the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

This made him cry even more, so I pulled the car over, he climbed into the front seat, and I just gave him some more love.

Alex is not the most verbally expressive kid, so I only got a few garbled pieces in a very high pitched voice, but one tidbit stood out.  When he had started to get emotional at school, one of the younger children in their mixed aged class called Alex a cry-baby, and then denied doing so when confronted.  Alex was most upset by the injustice of it all: Together, the students had created, agreed to, and and signed a Class Constitution that explicitly stated they are to show compassion to one another (not make fun of each other).

He was too upset to talk about it any more, so I gave some love and we went about running errands, fixing shoe lace locks, and stopping by a Starbucks to pick up a kid-hot-chocolate (which is a super-small serving at a kid-friendly “warm-chocolate” temperature).

Later in the afternoon, I told him about why I was so late to drop off the lunches–it took a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I thought.  But instead of the Post Office being a thorn, it turned out to be my rose.  If it wasn’t for this unexpected delay, I wouldn’t have been so late in dropping off the lunches that I needed to walk into his classroom at that moment and see him.  I wouldn’t have been there at exactly the right moment to give some love.

The reality is that this dynamic of giving and needing love presents itself to us every day.  Sometimes it’s obvious: your child is visibly upset and you have a unique opportunity to respond.  Sometimes it’s more subtle: a friend crosses your mind while you shower and you find yourself suddenly filled with gratitude for their presence in your life.

It’s at these times–both the obvious and the subtle–that God is tugging on our hearts and asking us to help Him shower His people with love.

• How do we respond to this tug?  By ignoring it? By lashing out against it? Or by offering love?

Free hugs by Hien Nguyen licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

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The last week of August is the first week of school in our area.  The Friday before school started, the boys and I returned from four weeks of traveling and visiting family (New York, New England, China, and Malaysia… including the rides to and from the airports, the trip home took 42 hours).  We spent the first week of school recovering from jet lag and readjusting to home, schedules, and packing lunches.   Things were chaotic and everyone was exhausted, but we were slowly-but-surely finding our way back to normal.

Mid-morning Thursday on that first week of school, my sister called with an urgent request.  Laurie is the Executive Coordinator for both SafePlace (an organization focused on ending sexual and domestic violence through safety, healing, prevention and social change) and Austin Children’s Services (ACS offers protection and healing to children who have experienced abuse and neglect).

So I reached out to five local friends who also had boys.  Not one hesitated.  Every single one of them found something to donate – with apologies: “sorry it couldn’t be more…”  The generosity was overwhelming.  We barely had room in the trunk for our luggage.

• Recall a time when you were asked to help someone in need.  What happened?

Christian faith asks way more of us than saying “Yes, Lord, I believe.”  Faith involves discipleship, our whole lives… our whole way of being in the world.  We are to love one another.  We are to serve one another.

I don’t want to be the one who says yes and doesn’t go.  But I also know that I get distracted. Distracted is an understatement; I regularly forget what I came into the room for.  I kill plants because I forget to water them. Luckily, the kids are a lot more vocal when I forget to feed them or we’d be in a lot of trouble.

While I work on this distraction–this forgetting–I want to draw attention to how very grateful I am for people like Laurie and the phone calls, text messages, and Facebook posts and she makes.  She helps me honor the promises I’ve made.  She helps me live out my faith.

We need people like Laurie in our lives.  They invite us to love with generosity.  They are the ones who help us to help more effectively.  Perhaps they do so by organizing, by suggesting, by coordinating.  Perhaps they do so by raising our awareness.  However it happens, whatever their request…

The person who asks for our help in helping others is opening the door of opportunity to love.

• Who do you need to thank for reminding you of your promise to help?

“Do not forget reminder © Depositphotos.com/PixelsAway”

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The other day at dinner, I tell my boys that I am looking forward to teaching a class that evening on Morality–a favorite topic, which I hadn’t taught in a while.  My 6 year old asks:

I pause, since I usually begin by acknowledging that most of us presume morality is about following a set of rules, and it’s not… it’s about relationship. But in that moment I was challenged to accurately and succinctly describe it in a way that my 6 and 7 1/2 year old would understand.

Relationship

The reason Why something is right or wrong has everything to do with relationship.

• Think about three of your closest friends.  What are some of the “unspoken rules” that close friends follow to maintain a healthy relationship?  List these relationship-guiding rules out: trust, honesty, care and concern for one another’s well-being… what else would you add?

How: So how do we strengthen our relationship with God?  By loving, honoring, and respecting God and all of God’s Creation.

The number one overarching principle that guides our approach to being in right relationship is a respect for the value, worth, and special dignity within each person as a child of God, created in the image and likeness of God.  Catholic Social Teaching refers to this as respect for human dignity, which finds its Scriptural roots in Genesis.

1. Interpersonal– respecting the human dignity of others, which is demonstrated by how we treat one another.
2. Personal – respecting one’s own human dignity, which is demonstrated by how we develop our internal quality of character
3. Transcendent – respecting God, which is demonstrated by practicing the virtue of faith.

The Commandments, Beatitudes, and Virtues help flesh out the What of Catholic moral teaching with more specifics, but if we don’t begin with that understanding of being in right relationship with oneself, others, and the God who created us and loves us, then our approach to morality will be limited to simply “following the rules.”

In the next post, I’ll discuss the role of conscience and moral responsibility.  For now, consider how you think about morality:

• What attitudes or assumptions do you bring to a discussion of morality?  Are they helpful or limiting?
• Think about your relationship with yourself, with others, and with God.  In what ways do you see love and respect for human dignity guiding your behavior in those relationships?  Where do you succeed in practicing this “respect”?  Where do you struggle?  Is there one area that you feel called to work on improving?

“Social media network © Depositphotos.com/Maridav”

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My sister and I often catch-up while I’m cleaning the kitchen and she’s driving somewhere. Most of the time, it’s your simple sisterly exchange-of-love-and-information phone call.

Laurie has been volunteering with SafePlace, a shelter for battered and abused women (and their children) in Austin. One of her stories struck me more deeply than others. Probably for the sheer banality of it all.

Laurie worked in the food pantry on Friday, helping the residents “shop” for the week. She surmised that cereal the pantry had to offer must have been donated by HEB as near-expiration-overstock that no one wanted – one of those full of fiber (and it tastes like it) cereals. There was a little boy who accompanied his mother in line. When they asked for cereal, and he saw the one and only option, he started to cry to his mother, “I don’t want that kind. I want our regular kind. Why do we have to be here? I just want to go back with Dad.”

The emotional devastation of every woman in the room could be felt.

The littlest things that we take for granted can bring such simple joy for those who are so broken and vulnerable. Once she returned home, Laurie posted a simple request to her local friends on Facebook. In addition to cereal and pancake mix for kids, the Moms wanted popcorn and chips for movie night, and as an extra special treat, some Betty Crocker boxed cake or cookie mixes.

As my sister has made a commitment to volunteer with various organizations in the Austin area throughout the past few years, she has continually posted simple requests like these on her Facebook wall. She even tells her friends that she’ll go  to them to pick up the donated items.

Laurie’s simple, specific posts certainly help direct the “givers” generosity to meet the “recipients” basic needs/wants. But she also does a tremendous service to raising awareness of social issues and offering both a model and vehicle of charity to her 300+ Facebook friends, some of whom might never consider the multitude of difficulties a victim of domestic violence faces.

That’s ok.  

There are many parts. We are all one body.

Without the time to shop or undergo training for volunteering, Mom donated money. That’s all she was in the position to do at the moment.

That’s ok.

There are many parts. We are all one body.

Laurie and I share the frugal, money-saving, coupon clipping gene. So I suggested she consider clipping those coupons for items she doesn’t personally use, follow the sales posted on our favorite savings blog Hip2Save, and snag deals on these items. I can help with this, I say. I can’t volunteer or donate money, but I’ll keep an eye out for deals and sales.

That’s ok.

There are many parts. We are all one body.

So we wrap up the phone call (as she arrived at her destination and my kids needed something like food or attention), and we each go about our day.

Six hours later, I walk in to Kroger and see that they are having a 3-day sale on limited varieties of GM cereals – cereals with a sugar content that I do not want to give my kids and would normally never buy. In the before-you-walk-in-the-store, where you grab your cart, there’s a display offering these cereals 2 for $3. And I have coupons. Of course. So each of the boys got to pick out a cereal for “families who are going through a difficult time.”  Four boxes of cereal cost me $3.75 out of pocket.  That I can do.

Of course I called Laurie to tell her how yes, indeed, the Spirit is at work.  And in her usual joy, Laurie remarked: “This is amazing!”

Sometimes faith leads us to service.

And sometimes it is the experience of service that leads us to a deeper faith and spirituality.  It is that experience of service in which we are completely filled with love and joy.  It is that experience of service where we are overwhelmed by this “good feeling” and the only words we can muster is a humble recognition that we have received so much more than we gave.  THIS is the experience of divine agapic love (see here and here for further explanation on this).

Thing that we need to remember when it comes to service — when it comes to a faith that does justice — is that (a) don’t think it all depends on you to do everything.  That’s what we call a Messiah complex.  And honestly, we already have one of those.  And (b) don’t think there’s only one way to help.  Do what you can.  Where you can.  When you can.

There are many parts. We are all one body.

cereal aisle by Ben McLeod licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

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If there was one thing you could (magically, effortlessly) change about yourself, what would it be?

Play along: come up with one thing.  Perhaps it’s…

• developing virtuous habits (and eliminating unhealthy ones)
• addressing some physical characteristic (in the realm of body image or ability)
• acquiring a desired talent

Sit with your answer.  What does it tell you about yourself?

• Is it just for fun?
• Does it have to do with something you struggle with?
• How does it relate to your personal goals?  Hopes?  Dreams?

• What does it tell you about where you are on the spectrum between self-love and self-loathing?

You are a child of God, created in God’s image and likeness.

• When it comes to the things about yourself that you want to change, do you honor the image of God within?  Do you treat yourself with the love and respect that the image of God deserves?  

Healthy self-love appreciates the goodness that is.  It is from a place of love, not hate, that we are called to conversion – or metanoia.

In the reflection “Just Paint Over It,” I referenced the Greek word metanoia while discussing the transforming process of forgiveness.  Metanoia [pronounced meta-noy-ah] translates as “a change of heart.” Meaning a conversion where the person turns away from what is destructive, hurtful, hateful, and instead turns towards God.

Too often, however, we can be overly critical of ourselves in a way which is neither helpful nor loving.  There is a fine line between goals that motivate and the expectation of nothing less than perfection that can shut a person down.

The need for perfection.

There are two times that the word “perfect” appears in the gospels, both in the Gospel According to Matthew.  The first is in Matthew 5:48, which is the part of the Sermon on the Mount in which Jesus discusses Love of Enemies.

The Mount of Beatitudes and The Sea of Galilee

The second appears in Matthew 19:21 within the story of The Rich Young Man.

If you wish to be perfect…

In reality, there is always room for improvement.   If we think we are all done with the personal/spiritual growth thing (as if to say: “I have arrived”), we are reminded that our work is never complete.It is then, that Jesus will say to us:

If you wish to be perfect…

It’s the all-or-nothing extremes that are useless.  Unhelpful.  Paralyzing.  In no way does Jesus insinuate that this rigid interpretation of perfection is what we are to aim for.

Growth—change—is a process.  Metanoia is a “turning” away from something (sinful) and towards God (who is wholeness, life, and truth).

Think about the self-improvement / growth things that you are working on in your life.  Do you treat yourself with love in the process of turning?  Or do you become overly critical and hateful about perceived failures?  Because that “hateful” thing is not what Jesus would do.

To move beyond my own struggle with perfectionism, I found it helpful to redefine “perfect” as functioning at my best, right now.  For me that implies being my best and doing my best in the present moment, while looking to take the next step to become better.

The “next step” is an important concept in overcoming paralyzing perfectionism, because it recognizes the space between the “reality of now” and the “ideal” or “goal.”  And in order for it to function, the “next step” should be realistic.  Small.  Doable.

And then celebrate the success.  And build upon it.  Because that is perfect.

You are not now what you were… You are not now what you will be when God has perfected you.                  – St. Vincent de Paul

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I love my friends.

They know me through-and-through and love me all the more.  Their genuine care and concern for my well-being is as warm as their hugs.  I delight in their presence, savoring the moments of quality time, the great conversations, the honesty, the fun, and the laughing.  The laughing is the best.

Can you relate?

Friendship has lots of categories: good-friends, old-friends, Mom-friends, family-friends, work-friends, Facebook Friends… and they’re all good.

Let’s take a closer look at “Facebook Friends.”  Facebook has helped me reacquaint myself with a slew of old friends from different points in my life, especially since I’ve moved around quite a bit.  In addition to high school and college friends, I’ve even reconnected with my best friend from childhood.  Some “friends” from Facebook are just in the social network, more akin to friendly acquaintances.  Some offer a lot of “water-cooler-didja-hear-about” conversation, which as a work-from-home-mom, I totally appreciate and enjoy. Though, I think the thing I enjoy most about FB friends is the way in which we know about what’s going on in each other’s lives.  When someone shares joy, I smile with them.  When someone shares pain, I gather them in my thoughts and prayers.  And how about the birthday-love from FB friends?  It’s certainly a different version of friendship than my grandmother experienced, but it’s community all the same.  At least it has the potential to be…

Whether it’s online or in-person, friendship is about community.  It is a community with whom we have fun; it is a community who challenges us, comforts us, supports us, and cheers us on.

And within this community of friends, different people have different roles.

Beyond the “BFF” label (meaning “Best Friends Forever” – and yes, Mom, that was for you), there are certain people in our lives that are part of our “inner circle.”  These are the close friends you appoint to a place of honor in your life.  I once knew a woman who called this group her “Personal Board of Directors.” (My husband refers to it as “The Brain Trust.”)  These are the folks who we tend to check in with regarding our life decisions and the ones with whom we cannot wait to share any “big” news.  We may not always agree with the counsel offered by members of our Board, nor do we always follow their advice.  However, we certainly listen to what they have to say – good or bad – because we value their input.

• Who have you appointed to your own Personal Board of Directors?

[Note: I also recommend The Work of Your Life: Sustaining the Spirit to Teach, Lead, and Serve, by Catherine Cronin Carotta (Harcourt 2003), which offers a summary of Wick’s four friends, presenting them in the context of discerning one’s calling.]

• The Prophet  This is the friend who points out the truth.  “Prophets challenge us to look at how we are living our lives” (99).  Prophets prompt us to examine whether we are listening to God’s voice and following our values or if we are being swayed by “other” voices.  When the prophet-friend asks, “What’s that about?” it makes us think. This is the friend who will speak the difficult truth (with love), despite discomfort or pain.

• Who are the Prophetic Friends in your life?

• The Cheerleader  We all need people in our lives who offer the cheerleader’s unabashed, enthusiastic, unconditional acceptance.  This is the person who helps us see the reflection of the loving face of God more readily in ourselves and others.  When we’ve had a difficult day, this is the person we turn to for loving support and encouragement because they say just the right thing to nurture our own self love.  The cheerleader is the friend who offers the presence of God’s mercy and love.  This is the friend “who gets joy out of seeing the footprints of God in our personality” (102).  “Warm friends represent the incarnational love of God in our lives” (106).

• Who are the Cheerleader Friends in your own life? 

• The Harasser  This is the friend who helps keep us from taking ourselves too seriously.  The harasser makes us laugh – especially at ourselves.  Through friendship with the harasser, we avoid emotional burnout and/or unrealistic expectations of ourselves.  “This type of friend helps us regain and maintain perspective.”

• Who are the Harasser Friends in your own life? 

• The Spiritual Guide  “We will never cease to need an array of spiritual guides to help us deal with our unrecognized and unnecessary fears, to help us appreciate the need for proper detachment, and to lead us to a sense of enthusiasm and perspective in a world strained by anxiety and confusion” (109).  This friend helps us identify our deepest fears, soulful longings, and treasured values.  This is the person who helps us process experiences in our quest to make meaning of our lives.

• Who are the Spiritual Guide Friends in your own life? 

Which is good, because I have each of these friends.  Moreover, I want each of these friends in my life.  I am a better me because of these friends.  And I want to be this kind of friend to others.

This is what I mean when I say: I love my friends.  Can you relate?

“Friendship © Depositphotos.com/Hannamariah”

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If you have been following along in the series of posts I have offered on Love and Relationships, now is the time on Sprockets when we talk about sex.

As a Catholic high school teacher (and now as a contributing author and editor to a Catholic high school textbook series), I frequently have the opportunity to discuss sexual morality with teens.  I approach this opportunity as a privilege, and I am confident that I teach it well.  Part and parcel to my self-understanding here is that I refuse to discuss the topic without spending time on what love is and what love is not.  Moreover, I refuse to discuss the topic of Catholic sexual morality as a set of rules.

When I teach about sexual morality to teens, I emphasize the importance of understanding what the Church teaches and why.  Because it is only then that a person can decide whether or not they agree.  It is not my role to dictate behavior and dole out judgment, nor do I need everyone to agree with what I teach.  I ask only that they understand.

A Christian discussion of sex begins with human dignity.

As Christians, we have a vision of what it means to be human; the fancy theological name for this is Christian Anthropology.  We were created in the image and likeness of God, which gives us each a unique specialness.  In all we say and all we do, we are called to respect this inherent human dignity in ourselves and others.

In creating us and designing our way of being with each other, God has a vision for what is supposed to be expressed and experienced in sex, and God’s vision is phenomenal.

Christians believe that God intended for the sexual aspects of our bodies to be a way for two people to say: “We love each other enough to become one.”

The Catholic Theology of the Body sees sexual intercourse as God’s way of letting two people signify that they have become one – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It is as if we are saying:

I love you so much that I give my whole self – body, mind, and soul – to you completely, without any reservation.

This complete union involves a total gift of self – mutually given and received in all four senses of love (agape, philia, storge, and eros).

This intense message is communicated with the body, in the body, through the body – it’s a bodily language.  The body was designed by God to be truthful.  Look at our bodily reactions, like sweating when we’re nervous.  Have you ever tried to suppress laughter when you find something hysterically funny?  Think about how lie detectors work.  When we lie and when we laugh, the body reacts!

In honestly and truthfulness, think about who you trust with your deepest, darkest secrets.  In fact, what would it take for you to open yourself up to someone and be totally vulnerable – like emotionally naked – with your whole life?  In God’s design and vision, through sex, the body communicates that two people become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually, with exactly that level of vulnerability and openness.  What does it take to get there?  It takes the reliability and trustworthiness of the solid commitment of marriage.

In reality, we know that there are multiple “levels of commitment.”  To facilitate this part of the conversation, I have identified what I like to call:

“Ms. Dienno’s Levels of Commitment”

1. Just Friends – both people enjoy each other’s company, but there is no “relationship claims.” The idea of “Friends with Benefits” would fall in this category, because although physical activity is implied, there is no commitment
2. Casually Dating indicates that a very low level of commitment exists.  Often referred to as seeing or talkin’ to each other, this sometimes reflects the initial stages of a potential relationship.  However, low-level of commitment means that the relationship is not necessarily exclusive.
3. Exclusively Dating indicates official “couplehood,” where both can expect to be romantically involved only with each other.  Interestingly, this level requires both parties to have a (sometimes uncomfortable) relationship defining conversation.  Seeing (or talkin’ to) anyone else is clearly understood as cheating.
4. Serious Relationship refers to couples who have “been together forever” to the extent that it would not be surprising for their families to find out that they are intending marriage; in fact, this level includes the period of engagement.
5. Marriage is the deepest, most serious commitment.  A commitment which is to last a lifetime.

Now take the “Meaning of Sex” sentence and apply that to the “Levels of Commitment.”

Sex is a bodily gift of one’s very self, involving as much emotional nakedness as physical.  Tremendous openness and vulnerability are needed to be able to truthfully express the Meaning of Sex sentence (I love you so much that I give my whole self—body, mind, and soul—to you completely, without any reservation).  When both husband and wife give themselves to each other without reservation, it is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible act of intimacy, and it feels great.

Certainly, two people need to love each other—with agape, philia, eros, and storge—for the complete gift of self in sex to be truthful.  However, without the reliability and permanence of the commitment of marriage, the body knows that it cannot completely, freely give itself.  In sex outside of marriage, the body does, in fact, have reservations – particularly when it comes to vulnerability.

Any Christian teaching on sexual morality would need to extend from this holistic vision of truthfulness and love, of respect for one’s own and another’s human dignity.

Whether it comes to the bodily experience of sex in your own marriage or teaching your children about sex, my greatest hope is that we honor this beautiful vision.

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