Category : Calling

Barren tree in field
Calling, Faith, Spirituality, Suffering
0

Depression and Spirituality

I struggle with depression.

It’s hard to talk about this –this depression thing– because a lot of assumptions, judgments, silence, and well-meaning-but-misguided comments can be really damaging to a person who is already fragile and broken and overly-sensitive from fighting depression.

Right now, I’m doing really well.  Right now, the depression is under control and manageable.  So in some ways, right now is a good time for me to talk about it… because I’m not feeling so fragile.

More importantly, for the third time in the past year, I have been confidentially approached by a friend who struggles with this same life-sucking-beast… Each of these friends sheepishly ask if they are properly reading between the lines; do I struggle?  And each time, I cry with them as I say yes.  And I’m so sorry.  Because it sucks so bad.

I don’t want to be the poster child for depression, in part because everyone’s experience is so very different…  In part because declaring this to the nameless-faceless internet world makes me vulnerable in a way that I don’t particularly enjoy…

But my heart aches for those who suffer in silence and solitude.  I do want to share some “wisdom” I have gained along the way, and if it offers you hope, then it’s worth the risk.

For people that don’t understand depression, the first thing they want to know is why?  Why are you sad?  What’s wrong?  Clinical depression means that there is no good reason.

There are times in my life when a real crisis has prompted depression – sometimes there is a reason.  I’ve heard that called “situational depression.”  But the most confusing part for me was the time in my life when everything was beyond-my-wildest-dreams good, but I was not happy.  I had actually transitioned from a not-great situation into a phenomenal one.

I had two babies under two in an area with no family, little community, and hardly any close friends.  Then my husband got a new job with a great relocation package to an area that was a reasonable drive to my family.  We sold our home in 10 days for full asking price.  I landed a job working from home, writing for a textbook publisher.  After looking at 45 homes in 4 days, we chose one that was a perfect fit for our family and had a lot more space at a lot less cost than our last one.  A mere 6 weeks after we moved in, Hurricane Ike hit.  We were in the mandatory evacuation zone, but with my family in Austin, we had a free place to stay, and the 60 foot pine tree fell away from the house.  Upon returning from evacuation, I started writing and had the world’s greatest part-time nanny.  Instead of contributing a couple of features to the textbook series, I developed the prototype for the teacher’s editions and went on to be a primary author.  My husband was loving, supportive, and helpful in real, concrete ways.  I joined a MOMS Club and befriended a great group of women and their children.  My life was full of goodness.

And instead of being happy, the stress broke me.

You know that expression, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle?”  Well, I broke.  It was just too much stress, and I spiraled into the deep, dark negativity of depression.  In my depression, I believed every negative thought that crossed my mind.

  • No one likes you.  They’re just being “nice.” 
  • Every time you lose your temper and yell at these beautiful kids, you prove what a horrible mother you are.  
  • Your husband is going to get sick of your [stuff]. 
  • Pretty soon the textbook publisher is going to realize what a fraud you are.
  • Everything is out of control, and it’s all your fault because you can’t handle it.

That’s the thing about depression; it lies to you about what an awful, inadequate person you are.  And you believe it.

I was just empty – except all the frustration I felt at every little thing, especially myself.  My life was devoid of joy, while I was the mother to two loving, excited, exuberant, exhausting little boys, which made me feel even worse about myself.  My marriage suffered when I finally admitted how I felt and just lay on the couch.  After meeting deadlines and taking care of the kids’ basic needs, I didn’t even have the energy.  For anything.

The depression impacted my spirituality in ways that are hard to explain.  I used to feel connected to God, but in the midst of depression, nothing I did in prayer or worship helped… nothing was connecting for me.  It all felt like going through the motions.  When your job is to write about faith–when your profession is “religious educator”–and you’re not feeling connected to God at all, it’s kind of a problem.

In my book, Continuing the Journey, Chapter 11 is about “Spiritual Crisis.”  What constitutes a spiritual crisis –much like depression– is different for different people.  Essentially, a spiritual crisis is when you are going through a rough patch spiritually.  From “Why is this happening God?!” to “Where are you God!?” and everything in-between.  It’s the desert experiences in the landscape of spirituality… It’s when we earnestly pray, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me” (Psalm 22:1).   Not everyone who goes through a spiritual darkness is in a depression, but for me, there was definitely overlap.  In my book, I noted that several well-known and influential people in the Christian tradition have struggled with this spiritual darkness, or what is often called “the dark night of the soul.”

  • “St. John of the Cross is credited with the expression “dark night of the soul.”  In 1577, John was abducted, imprisoned, and tortured for his part in working on reforms to the Carmelite Order.  While in prison, John composed the poem Dark Night of the Soul.
  • St. Teresa of Ávila was a close friend and contemporary of St. John of the Cross.  After unexpectedly healing from a serious illness and professing great devotion to St. Joseph, Teresa began struggling so deeply with spiritual darkness that she stopped praying for nearly two years.
  • C.S. Lewis wrote about his spiritual darkness in A Grief Observed.  After years as an author, theologian, and expert in Christian apologetics, Lewis married his longtime friend Joy, who died of cancer only four years after they wed.
  • Mother Teresa experienced a spiritual darkness that lasted for decades, which began shortly after she founded the Missionaries of Charity and started her work with the poor.” (Continuing the Journey, 47)

Reflecting on the idea that saints and holy people alike have struggled with the dark night of the soul gave me tremendous hope.  If they struggled with this emptiness, maybe it wasn’t a sign of my inadequacy and weakness… but rather maybe it was just a part of my story.

So getting back to my story: with the help of a really good therapist, the right anti-depressant, spiritual direction… and a lot of patience, and I came through it.

It took a few tries to get the right anti-depressant.  The first one numbed me… it was better that I wasn’t feeling so negative, but I also wasn’t feeling joy.  The second one worked for a bit… until it didn’t.  The third one was the charm.  While I worked with a psychiatrist to tinker with the right dosage of the right medication to get the chemicals in my brain to behave, I took the opportunity to work with a great counselor.  She helped me differentiate between what was real and what was my skewed interpretation of things courtesy of depression.

Depression lies.  It makes you not trust your own judgment.  It makes you feel like you deserve the negativity and emptiness.  Counselors can help you wade through this before, during and after the medication takes effect.

Counselors can also help you identify the warning signs of depression.  And triggers.  For me, stress triggers depression.

Last spring and summer, I worked my tail off to finish writing and publish my book.  Without money for childcare, I wrote about half of the book after the boys finished their school year.  That was extremely stressful.  And the depression came back.

As difficult as it was to admit that the depression was back, as difficult as it was to manage the stress, as difficult as it was to function, this time there were a few differences.

We had houseguests–a very special family of houseguests–in late-May.  As per my depression, everything annoys and frustrates me.   In this case, I had been annoyed and frustrated that one of these very special houseguests (“H”) was blowing off quality time visiting.  Now I knew that H struggles with anxiety and depression, but I hadn’t realized that when H would leave for large chunks of time to “go on a walk,” it was to work out the extra energy that accompanied the anxiety.  I was humbled.  And impressed by how insightful and courageous it was for H to prioritize self-care.  Because in the end, doing so made H a better parent, spouse, sibling, and friend.  And an awesome one, at that.

H and the family of very special houseguests extended their stay by a day because we were having such a wonderful visit.  After they left, I reflected on H’s insight, courage, and commitment to manage the anxiety and depression.  And I made an appointment to see my doctor about getting back on the anti-depressant.

Here’s what the anti-depressant does: it helps me be a little more in control of my spiraling emotions, which decreases the negativity just enough.

In the midst of all of this, I was also working on a retreat with an amazing group of women.  I felt that God was calling me to honestly share my struggle with depression, but I had no idea what to say.  Or why.  I actually got a little angry with God about this point.  After spending hours trying to figure out what to write, I sat back in my chair, leaned away from my laptop, raked my hands through my hair, looked up and yelled, “You want me to talk about this?  Then tell me what to say!  Because I don’t get it.  I’m done.”  It was nearly midnight and I was now frustrated and annoyed with God, so I walked away from the computer and went to bed.

The theme of the retreat came from Matthew 28:20  “I am with you always.”

Jesus walking on a path

At 5:51 am, I awoke with tremendous clarity, feeling fully refreshed.

I realized that in the midst of the darkness of depression, God never stopped whispering: “I am with you always.”

From the timing of the very special Houseguests, to my friends, to the community of women I shared my retreat with, to my husband, to my boys, God never stopped whispering his love.

Instead of accepting the lie of self-doubt and loneliness that depression brings, I began to see–and try to feel–the adoration of God.  As I sat at my desk that morning, trying to put into words how God whispers “I am with you always” to me, my 8-year-old son came bounding in to my home office just to give me a hug and kiss and tell me, “I love you, Mommy.”

That’s how I came to see and experience spirituality in depression: I surrendered to undeserved love.  And through the arms of my child, God hugged me.

For all the negativity I feel in the depression, God still manages to remind me I am with you always and I adore you.


This called my home by Daniel Wehner licensed under CC BY 2.0

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Figurines Hugging
Action, Calling, Love
0

Give Some Love

You know how timing is everything?

One night last week I was working on Sacrament prep with my younger son, Max.  The lesson, “God Loves Us,” asked him to identify some of the ways different people in his life help and love him.  Then, it asked him to identify some of the ways he offers help and love to others.  It was a good, simple 2nd Grade exercise, but it didn’t make that explicit connection back to the lesson title.  So we talked about it:

“Do you see what’s happening here?  God expresses his love for us through other people.  When you feel loved by someone, they’re helping God out by delivering that love.  When you offer love and help to others, you’re helping God out by delivering that love.  Sometimes God tugs on your heart and fills you with love, or care, or concern for someone… and you have a choice to either help God out and give some love or just ignore it.  Did you know that’s how God works?”

Max scrunched up his face as he thought for a moment, and then smiled and said, “Well, I didn’t know it, but it makes a lot of sense.”

It turns out that our Sacrament prep conversation occurred on the evening of St. Teresa of Avila’s Feast Day.  The prayer attributed to St. Teresa, “Christ Has No Body But Yours,” touches upon this theme of God relying upon us to help and love others.

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

Making that connection between the idea of God’s love for us and our role in making that happen is important at any age.

Fast forward a couple of hours, and later that night, instead of making the kids’ lunches, I sat on the floor of my office and packed up 70 copies of Continuing the Journey to ship out to 35 different parishes in the Houston area.  (Yay book sales!)  So I went to bed promising to do lunches in the morning, even though I know that’s never a good idea. When I awoke with a viscous head cold, I decided to sleep in a little later, drop the kids at school, and then make and deliver those lunches by 11:30. Plenty of time!

Except before I went over to school, I stopped at the Post Office.  Turns out it takes a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I expected.  Turns out that I really should have either pre-paid or made an appointment.

All this to say that I was a little late in delivering the lunches… so late that I needed to walk them up to the boys’ classroom.  When I entered, I saw that my 8 year old son, Alex was sitting next to his teacher (never a good sign), who tells me, “We’re working on calming down.”

I take one look at Alex’s face and see the swollen, puffy red splotches around his eyes.  It was one of those “one-too-many-things-went-wrong” situations, but all he could focus on was this little plastic shoe lace lock thing that broke.

“Honey, I’m about to run some errands; do you want me to stop at Academy and pick you up a new shoe lace thing?”

A very sad, but relieved “Yeah…” came out.

“Actually, Alex, would you want to come with me?”  (I look at his teacher and she nods in agreement.)  “You could eat your lunch in the car, take some time to calm down, and you can come back to school later.”

“Okay.”  And he put his little hand in mine as we walked out.

We have an expression in our male-dominated, engineer-brain, intense-personality house, which is simply “I need some love.”  Whether a person is sad or frustrated or feeling down or lonely or simply feeling cuddley, “I need some love is a request that is always honored.  It’s a stop-what-you’re-doing and be fully present to a full-body hug.  Thus far it has also involved the boys crawling into my lap.  This expression gets adapted to question form: “Do you need some love?” as well as a statement that accompanies a bear hug: “I just want to give you some love.”

So as we walked out of the school building towards the car, I picked him up into a bear hug so I could give him some love.  We got into the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Alex, I want you to know that if you’re ever having a difficult day, it’s always ok to call me and tell me that you just need some love.  I will always do my best to be there for you.”

This made him cry even more, so I pulled the car over, he climbed into the front seat, and I just gave him some more love.

“Aside from your shoe, can you tell me some of the other things that happened to make it such a frustrating day?”

Alex is not the most verbally expressive kid, so I only got a few garbled pieces in a very high pitched voice, but one tidbit stood out.  When he had started to get emotional at school, one of the younger children in their mixed aged class called Alex a cry-baby, and then denied doing so when confronted.  Alex was most upset by the injustice of it all: Together, the students had created, agreed to, and and signed a Class Constitution that explicitly stated they are to show compassion to one another (not make fun of each other).

He was too upset to talk about it any more, so I gave some love and we went about running errands, fixing shoe lace locks, and stopping by a Starbucks to pick up a kid-hot-chocolate (which is a super-small serving at a kid-friendly “warm-chocolate” temperature).

Later in the afternoon, I told him about why I was so late to drop off the lunches–it took a lot longer to mail 35 packages than I thought.  But instead of the Post Office being a thorn, it turned out to be my rose.  If it wasn’t for this unexpected delay, I wouldn’t have been so late in dropping off the lunches that I needed to walk into his classroom at that moment and see him.  I wouldn’t have been there at exactly the right moment to give some love.

“You know Alex, last night when Max and I did Sacrament prep, we talked about something that relates to this.  You know that God loves us, right?  Well, the way God helps us experience that love is through one another.  God knew you really needed some love today, so He took advantage of my delay and put me in the right place at the right time.  God sent you love through me.  God gave me the opportunity to love you, and of course I said yes!

That’s how God works.  When someone is upset or in need of help (or could just use some love), God tugs at your heart and asks you to help.  You have three choices:

  1. You can ignore it, which kinda hurts God’s feelings.
  2. You can be mean to the person, which really hurts God’s feelings.
  3. Or you can give love, which really helps God out.

And that’s the thing that’s so upsetting about [your younger classmate].  He saw that you were upset and instead of offering love or compassion, he chose to be hurtful.

I hope that the next time you see someone who is upset, you’ll remember how important it is to offer love.”

The reality is that this dynamic of giving and needing love presents itself to us every day.  Sometimes it’s obvious: your child is visibly upset and you have a unique opportunity to respond.  Sometimes it’s more subtle: a friend crosses your mind while you shower and you find yourself suddenly filled with gratitude for their presence in your life.

It’s at these times–both the obvious and the subtle–that God is tugging on our hearts and asking us to help Him shower His people with love.


  • How do we respond to this tug?  By ignoring it? By lashing out against it? Or by offering love?


Free hugs by Hien Nguyen licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

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With pope as witness, 20 couples marry
Annulment, Calling, Marriage, Sacraments, Vocation
0

Divorce, Annulment, Marriage, and Pope Francis

The Church often finds herself in that tension between the ideal and the real – between the theological vision of wholeness and the lived experience of brokenness.  The situation of marriage and family in the 21st Century is one of those places of tension.  Divorce, annulment, marriage, and Pope Francis have been in the Catholic News a lot lately.  And I find my own personal lived experience weighing heavy on my heart.

What Catholic News?  The papal-celebrated-weddings:

Presiding over the wedding of 20 couples in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis celebrated marriage as the union of a man and woman playing complementary roles during their common journey through life…The newlyweds ranged in age from 25 to 56 and represented a variety of situations, with some already having children or having lived together before marriage. (Source Catholic News Service

…and the upcoming Synod of Bishops:

An international gathering at the Vatican this fall will be attempting to decide what to do about [the situation of marriage and family in the 21st Century].  Convoked by Pope Francis and with assemblies scheduled this October and next, the synod represents an effort at the top levels of the Church not just to identify the problems facing marriage but, if possible, point to solutions. Pastoral care for people whose unions fall seriously short of the ideal — a category that includes divorced and remarried Catholics whose first marriages haven’t been annulled — will be discussed in that context. (Source OSV Newsweekly)

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Mr Incredible
Calling, Vocation
1

The Incredibles and Vocation

My kids have been flitting through some of the Disney Pixar movies.  Cars (2006) has always been a favorite, but The Incredibles (2004) has been making its rounds in our home as of late. Me being me, I can’t help but watch and think: The Incredibles is a great story to demonstrate vocational calling.


IMDB offers a basic plot summary:

Mr. Incredible is a superhero; or he used to be, until a surge of lawsuits against superheroes submitted by the people they’ve saved forced the government to hide them in witness protection programs so they could lead normal, anonymous lives. Now known exclusively by his secret identity, Bob Parr, he lives with his wife Helen, formerly Elastigirl, and their three children Violet, Dash, and Jack Jack. He works as an insurance claims specialist, and he’s fed up with his pushy boss and his immoral profession, but his wife’s worked too hard to build a normal life for her family to abide his nostalgia for heroism. When Mr. Incredible’s offered the chance to play the role of hero again by a mysterious informant, he jumps at the opportunity, but when it turns out to be a trap set by an old nemesis he had a hand in corrupting, the whole family must reveal themselves to save Mr. Incredible and countless innocents. Written by Michael Loughrin

With three kids to care for, Elastigirl embraces her life as Helen Parr.  Her husband Bob, however, is miserable.  He goes through the motions of a job he hates because of his love for his family, but doing so is killing his spirit.

In the movie itself as well as on film review sites like IMDB and Fandango, Mr. Incredible’s passion and desire for heroism is dismissed as nostalgia, reminiscing about the “good ole days.”

It’s so much more than that, though.

Look at Mr. Incredible while he’s suppressing his true self:

incredibles-bob-parr-character
This is a man who is emotionally unsatisfied.  Every ounce of his energy goes into suppressing the burning desires in his heart.  The animators depict the physical toll this has taken in his slumped posture, weight gain, and circles under his eyes.  In his speech, his voice is deflated.  It’s not just that he works for an annoying, immoral boss appropriately voiced by Wallace Shawn.  It’s that he’s not allowed to actually do what he does best: help people.

When he talks about his “glory days,” his eyes light up and the energy returns to his whole being.  After years of sneaking around and finding ways to clandestinely help people, Mr. Incredible responds to a cryptic invitation to secretly resume his superhero ways and fight bad guys.

the incredibles -1-sizedThe change in his whole being is evident: physically, emotionally, mentally, and I’d venture to say even spiritually. Instead of withdrawing into his mancave of memories, Mr. Incredible starts flirting with his wife and being more present to his family.

Plot twists abound, but suffice it to say the “happily ever after” of this Disney flick involves the whole Incredible family living out their vocation as superheros.

Vocational Calling

Calling a person’s job or career a vocation indicates something specific.  Google the definition of vocation and you can see certain words pop out:

vocation definition - Google Search - Google Chrome 882013 30206 PM.bmp

The focus isn’t so much on the job itself as the sense of calling described as a strong feeling of suitability.  While Christian tradition will always insist that a person’s worth, value, and dignity are never limited to the function of his or her job, there is a deeper understanding that our passion, gifts, and talents are at the very core of our being.  This is how God created us; it is who God created us to be.  It is God who gives us this vocational calling.

Following our passions and using our gifts and talents (for good, not evil) gives greater glory to God.  And the rewards of living out one’s vocation abundantly flow to everyone in our lives: spouse, family, friends, co-workers… every person you encounter on your path.

Not doing this–not following one’s vocational calling and suppressing who you are called to be–takes its toll in more ways than one.

Watching The Incredibles is a fun way to visit this dynamic, especially the transformation that happens when a person can (finally) live out their vocation.  But the real challenge–and rewards–come in actually doing it.


  • Do you know someone who is living out their vocational calling?  Or do you know of a Mr. Incredible in your own life that desperately needs to do so?  What piece of this speaks to where you are with your own vocation?


Incredible Bokeh by JD Hancock licensed under CC BY 2.0

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OSV High School Series
Calling, Holy Spirit, Life, Vocation
0

Workings of the Spirit Part 4: From My Plans to God’s Will

Recognizing the Workings of the Holy Spirit in your life is one of the surest ways to discerning God’s will.  It’s a lot easier to do when you’re looking back on your life. (For an example of what that might look like, read Part 1 in this series.)

Figuring out what you’re called to do is only part of it.  Actually doing it can be a little scary, especially if things go awry.  (For more on this, read Part 2.) 

Following God’s will in your life isn’t a once-and-done thing either.  It’s an ongoing conversation with God.  The promptings of the Holy Spirit are constant, sometimes bearing unexpected messages, but always filled with the goodness of God.  (For more on this, read Part 3.)

And now for Part 4

When My Plans Cooperate with the Holy Spirit

After my year of international travel, where my ministry as a teacher took me to see concentration camps in Poland, and visit the Holy Land of Israel (did I mention I did all this traveling for free?!),  things changed.


Alexander Raymond Dienno Demarest

Alexander Raymond Dienno Demarest



IMG_2504

Peter holding Alex for the first time



Obviously, the Holy Spirit had a little something to do with the creation of new life, but with Alex, Peter and I participated in the planning process.

Part of the plan was – as a teacher – to have the baby in the summer and return to teaching when he was 3 months old.  Alex was born on the Fourth of July.  I was able to stay home until October, and then resume teaching Morality to my three classes of juniors and directing the Service Learning Program.

Everything was going according to plan.

It was a busy school year, especially with an infant at home.  As a working mother, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of chaos at all times.  The one piece of advice I try to give new working mothers is: You’re not doing it wrong.  It’s just hard.  Worth it, but hard.  I definitely recognized the Workings of the Holy Spirit in all the joy that came out of just loving him.

I loved teaching, even though I felt like I was always behind and could never catch up.  I loved my students – such bright kids with great questions who enjoyed my passion for the material.  I definitely recognized the Workings of the Holy Spirit in my classroom.

I also followed the promptings of the Holy Spirit and submitted proposals to present my insights on Establishing a Service Learning Program in Catholic High Schools.  Among others, I presented at the National Catholic Educator Association (NCEA) Convention  Several of the attendees asked “What resources would you suggest?”  At that point, there weren’t really any resources that could speak to both the theological and practical (pastoral) dimensions of doing Service Learning in Catholic high schools.  “Well, you kind of have to do what I did: read the Church documents and put it together.”  When I recounted this story to Peter, he said I should write a book.

After the NCEA Convention, another attendee invited me to present at the Center for Concern’s Educating for Justice summer seminar on Service Learning.  In my little world, these were pretty big deals.  I definitely recognized the Workings of the Holy Spirit in all of this.

Time flew by that school year, and each day was jam packed.

Mommytime 10.5 Weeks-6

It was May 2. The day after Service Hours were due.  I was exhausted.  I had discovered that five students had cheated on their service hours.  It was just a bad day.  I’m at home, sitting in the rocking chair watching Oprah, holding a satisfied 10 month old who just finished nursing.  Peter hands me a gin and tonic.  As I happily sip, I think to myself: Wow, I’m really nauseous.

And as those words float past in a thought bubble above my head, I immediately shout to Peter (with panic): “YOU DON’T THINK I’M PREGNANT, DO YOU?!?!”

When God Has Other Plans

sono-5

Turns out, breastfeeding is not a form of birth control.

It was not my plan to have my boys 17 months apart.  It was not my plan to stop teaching, but there was no way we could justify the expense of two babies under two in daycare on a Catholic school teacher’s salary.  Nor the insanity of it all.

It was not my plan, but it was what was happening.

As I freaked out and cried, Peter reminded me: the timing wasn’t the plan, but we did plan to have another baby.  And he was right.  But I was still reeling from what I saw as an abrupt and unexpected end to my teaching career.  (I can be a little melodramatic.)

It took me a long time to see that this was God’s Plan.  But it was.  And here’s how it unraveled:

I presented at that Summer Service Learning Symposium with the Center for Concern.  Once again, an attendee asked for resources.  Once again, I replied there wasn’t any that I knew of.

But this time, I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  Instead of thinking someone should write one, I decided to be that someone.  So during Alex’s naps, and after his bedtime, I worked on turning my Master’s Thesis (and all of my practical insights from five years in the field) into a book.

Still overwhelmed by the idea of having two babies under two, it helped me channel my energy into something creative, positive, and life-giving.

Then this happened:

Maximilian Dienno Demarest

Maximilian Dienno Demarest

The stress of two babies under two was intense.  But so was the love.  Those first six months were a blur.  But we did it.

I was about 80% finished writing the book when Max was born.  I was still looking for someone to publish it.  I had no idea how I would manage to write while mothering.  And then Peter realized that he had extra funds in his pre-tax child care account through his job; we had already covered the costs of a sitter.  Things just have a way of working out with the Holy Spirit.

There’s a lot of things I forgot during this blur, but I do remember having a phone conversation with my friend Theresa, a friend from my time at Boston College.  After she finished her PhD, Theresa became an assistant professor for BC through her own Workings of the Holy Spirit.

In one of our conversations, I happen to mention to Theresa that I was surprised to discover how much I loved the process of research and writing.  It was exciting and exhilarating.

We played a lot of cards during this visit.

Playing cards with Theresa

Some time later, Theresa called to say that while she was at a conference representing the program at Boston College, she had a conversation with a mutual friend (and former professor of mine), Mike Carotta.  He was working with a textbook publisher who was looking for people with a background in theology, experience in education, that could write.

“So I said to myself, hey – I know someone like that.  So I called you.”

My heart did cartwheels.  Thank you Holy Spirit!  Theresa promised to pass my info on to Mike.

During this same time, Peter finally explained how his job environment had begun to crush his spirit.  As he looked for a new job, the Holy Spirit helped me say, “Wherever you need us to move, wherever you need us to go, we will go.”  And by the grace of God, I meant it.

On our way to Austin for my sister’s wedding, Peter got two phone calls for two interviews in Houston.  Since we were already going to be in the state of Texas, and since Peter really had no other wedding-related jobs but dutiful husband and father, he spent a day interviewing in Houston.  Things just have a way of working out with the Holy Spirit. 

Laurie and Sam's Wedding

Laurie and Sam’s Wedding

Two weeks later they called to say he got the job.

So add selling the house and preparing for a corporate move on top of the stress of two babies under two.  (Side note: after a week of insane preparation, our house was on the market for 10 days and sold for full asking price.)

All this to say, I don’t remember when it happened, but at some point in my search for a publisher for my book on Service Learning, I received a YES.   Again, my heart did cartwheels.  Thank you Holy Spirit!  

This publisher was located in Washington DC, so I found a sitter and rode the METRO downtown for an in-person chat.  In our meeting, however, I found out that since the audience for the book was such a niche market, there wasn’t funding approval for a book.  They could publish it as a series of journal articles or publish it as an e-book.  My disappointment was palpable.

I spent some time checking in with God on this one, though, before I said no thanks.  At this point (in 2007), neither of the options that this publisher was suggesting was going to solve the problem teachers in the trenches were facing – a lack of accessible resources.  Those journal articles tended to stay on the desks of principals.  And in 2007, e-books weren’t really a thing.  I may get published, but it’s not going to actually help the people I wrote the book for.

So I cried a bit on the METRO ride home, paid the sitter, and fed the babies.  And then I did something so outside of my comfort zone it kind of makes me cringe as I retell it: I went into my office, pulled Mike’s book off my shelf, Googled his publisher, cold called their 800-number, and left him a message.

When I don’t know what to do with a bunch of (negative) emotional energy, I channel it in to something I feel God is calling me towards, but I’m really scared to do.  

And what do you know, it worked out.

You Can’t Imagine The Plans God Has

Mike called me, I recalled Theresa’s summation: “looking for people with a background in theology, experience in education, that could write” and explained myself.  He said, “Email this conversation to me and I’ll forward it to the powers-at-be.”

So I did.  And he did.  That was on Friday.  On Monday, there was an email from an Editorial Director asking for a writing sample, followed by a phone interview and a non-disclosure agreement.

After a few months, my part in the project – to write some features for the textbook series – was about to start.  We were now living in Houston.  Hurricane Ike blew through and knocked one of the 60-foot pines away from the house (Praise Jesus).

Hurricane Ike hit Houston 6 weeks after we moved in to our new house.

Hurricane Ike hit 6 wks after we moved in to our new house.

The Editorial Director called and asked me if I would like to write the Teacher’s Editions for the series.  And I said no.  In nine years of teaching I had never used a Teacher’s Edition.  And I couldn’t see working on something I would never use.  To be honest, there was just too much stress in my life with the two kids, new city, and new house to do that.  So before I had a chance to filter my answer, it just all came out (in respectful honesty).

So she said, “Well what if you could create something that you would use?”  So I talked about what that might look like.  And then she said, “Ok, we’ll pay you for this conversation.  Can you create a prototype in two weeks?”

My jaw dropped.  [Silence]  “Um, yeah.  Sure.”

So while working on the TE prototype (I now know that’s publishing lingo for Teacher’s Edition), I was running into difficulties with how some things were explained in the Student text.  So she suggested that I also be part of the review process as a contributing editor to the Student Editions as well.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Well played, Holy Spirit.  Well played.  

I sent off the TE prototype and needed to wait a couple months before the next step in the process would begin.  So somehow, the Holy Spirit managed to nudge me to edit, finish, and self-publish my book: Living the Vision: A Pastoral Guide to Service Learning in Catholic High Schools.  And yes, I have an e-book available, too.

And then I started really working on the textbook series.  I was the primary author for five of the six Teacher’s Editions, and a contributing editor for the first four Student Editions.  I loved the team of people I worked with, I loved the process, and I am really proud of the finished product.

So that, my friends, is how I ended up with a job that has been beyond my wildest dreams.

Here’s what I’ve come to know about the Workings of the Holy Spirit:


  • It’s really awesome when your plans and God’s plans align.  You feel like partners with the Holy Spirit.

  • It’s really scary when God’s plans go in a totally different direction than your plans.  But go with it.  Use anger or disappointment to motivate you to surpass fear.

  • If you think it’s awesome when your plans and God’s plans align, it’s going to blow your mind when you see what happens when God’s plans come to fruition.  It’s beyond your wildest dreams AMAZING.

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